Tomorrow

Three days before I was to have my eyes sliced open, I heard retching in the middle of the night. Stumbling into our dark hallway (as a few hours earlier, exactly half of our power gave way due to a power box corrosion situation), I tried to figure out which child was hurling and where. This is the motherhood scavenger hunt of nightmares. 

It was dark, but I very quickly discovered it was poor, sweet A. She was sitting in bed, wrapped in her blanket, covered in vomit. I cleaned this up, as well as one can with only half of the power in the house, reassured her that she was going to be okay, and sent her back to bed with a bowl. New concern: what if I get my eyes sliced open and then I get the stomach bug as I'm healing? What if all the kids get the stomach bug and no one can go to school on the day of my surgery? I head back to bed, an anxiety storm swirling inside me. 

You see, getting your eyes sliced open and then reshaped by lasers might not seem that big of a deal. Lots of people have done this! They swear by it! And my eyes have such a painful, long history, that this truly is the best choice. It's just the 1% that is at the forefront of my mind.

It's the 1% of moms who have a baby with Down syndrome. It's the 1% of moms who have a baby who needs hip dysplasia surgery as dramatic as ours. It's even a smaller percentage who discover it randomly, in time to fix it. I have been that 1%, several times. Life has burned me.

Now, lest you misunderstand-- Addison and Vivian are the joys of our lives!!! We don't regret being that 1% for one minute!!! But there is trauma that comes with thinking, "That'll never happen to me! 1 in 1400!! I'm good." And then....you are the 1. This changes you. It changes the way you approach assuming outcomes.

"Now, there's no chance my eyes could get worse if I do this?" I stupidly asked the nurse.

"Oh, well, you could lose an eye." She, legally, had to say.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, this surgeon has never had it happen. And our office has never had it happen. But legally, it has happened before in the world, so we have to disclose it. It's like-- when you go under anesthesia for surgery and you have to sign that you understand that you could die."

"Die?"

"It's just an example. Or like-- when you fly on an airplane, you understand that it COULD crash. But it most likely won't."

*remembering every scary airplane story I've ever heard ever*

"This is an elective procedure. If you don't feel comfortable, you absolutely do not have to do it!"

*remembering the cold sore I got ON my eye from my contacts, my heavy heavy glasses, my near blind self with zero peripheral vision and the desire to improve this part of my life while the option is being presented*

I've been struggling a lot lately with the concept of perspective. I have done quite a bit of life coach training over podcasts and workshops etc. And the concept that has truly helped me the most was realizing that-- my thoughts control my emotions.

Lasik surgery isn't causing me anxiety. It's my thoughts about Lasik that are causing the anxiety. And I have the choice to reframe these thoughts.

I also know that if I pray for this to go well-- I absolutely have an audience. But I also know, all too well, that God does not promise us 20/20 vision. He does not promise us healthy babies. He does not promise us 2 year olds who do not need a body cast for 4 months and 4 very painful surgeries. He does not promise any of this.

He does not promise that our electrical box will never randomly act up, or we won't have children retching in the middle of the night with no bowl.

But I do know that he is a kind God. I know that in every 1% situation I have been through, he has carried me with invisible strength and peace. 

But the fact that I am CHOOSING this, and it wasn't just thrust upon me.

Well.

Hello, anxiety.

In the midst of this swirling, I had the thought-- "What if the Lord wants me to have good vision? What if he wants this good thing for me?"

I called the nurse back and said, "I am in. I am choosing to focus on the fact that this surgery is really going to help me. I trust this surgeon and that she only picks candidates that she knows will have a good outcome. I don't understand it, but I trust her (long phone call with my amazing eye doctor helped with this)."

To sum up: I am getting Lasik on Friday. When this was a faraway concept, I was COOL about this. No worries! You lie down on a table, while awake, and let lasers reshape your eyes? Cool-io. I am IN.

Now that it is 24 hours away....I am pinning quotes on bravery and forcing my stubborn side to not give up.  "Wait. You want me to do that TOMORROW? That was future Deanna's problem!!!" And life, with its wicked sense of humor, decided to add vomit and darkness to the equation. Nice try, life. Nice try. I’ve got disinfectant, flashlights, and an “I can do” attitude. Not.this.time.

Today's work: I am reframing my thoughts. My perspective. 

This surgery is going to help me. It will be life changing, honestly. I am grateful for this opportunity to get some help in this department. I don't have to be brave. I just have to do the next right thing (Thanks, Frozen). And maybe that's all bravery is anyway.

To those of you who have had Lasik done without having a complete anxiety meltdown the week of-- I salute you. 

To those who have read this entire blog post when this stopped being a thing in 2018...I salute YOU.

See you on the other side.

D