Finding Delight in Motherhood

I was asked to speak at a preschool mom breakfast at my church on the topic “Relishing Motherhood” this week. That might seem like an odd topic to ask someone who has been through what we’ve been through this winter. One might assume that there isn’t a lot of “relishing” going on while you tackle hip surgeries on a toddler and body casts. But I agreed to speak on this topic because these are the very things that have been working around my heart all winter long. I’m sharing the talk I gave here because I like to use this space to record memories, and this talk encapsulates where I’m at 12 years into motherhood. If it’s your thing— happy reading. Otherwise, you won’t hurt my feelings if you skip this one. (-:

Intro:

The other day my 10-year-old slept until 10:30. In the morning. He confessed to me that he stayed up way too late the night before quietly reading in his bed with a flashlight. He was desperate to finish his book. When his nose isn't buried deep in a thick book, he's in a pretty intense soccer program that meets 3 times a week. When I drop him off at practice, he has a watch that he can call me with when he's ready for pickup so I don't even need to leave my car.  Also....he likes to forage his own food (in my kitchen).. He is an expert at making about 5 dishes in the kitchen (such as waffles, quesadillas, hot dogs, and he is a master at the cake mix plus Wilton buttercream) with another 5 firmly on his "learning better" list, so if I need him to make dinner one night, he's happy to take over. He bikes himself to school and to baseball. He is fiercely independent and keeps himself mostly alive. I can leave him home briefly for a half hour here and there. He helps with his baby sister a ton. And honestly when Aaron is working late and I am just DONE, I've been known to ask Carter to put all the other kids to bed at night. Which he successfully does. I mean, it will cost me. But he does it. He is 10 going on 19.

8 years ago....He was the kind of 2-year-old that the legends warn you about. He had just gotten a brand new baby brother, and he was not pleased. He tried to murder the baby a few times. When that was unsuccessful, he decided to murder my house instead. In this he succeeded. You know those heat vent covers....turns out they make amazing car ramps for matchbox cars if you tear them off the wall! Until you step on them..... The amazingly cute, Pinterest nursery I put together before he was born was torn to pieces bit by bit by his adorable little hands and curious mind. By the time his brother was born, only one framed picture remained hanging on the wall. Until the day he shimmied up the wall, took down the picture, and smashed the glass in his brother's crib around his sleeping baby brother. I was constantly frustrated trying to parent him. He had a mind of his own and was not interested in anyone else's rules or suggestions as to how he should live his life. He was strong willed x a million. 

10 years ago....he was the baby who would NEVER SLEEP. He didn't sleep longer than 45 minutes for a solid 6 months. He also did this thing where he would vomit all over his bed every day just because he knew that this meant we would have to remove him from his bed to clean it up. He threw up once a day for 2+ years. He didn't like to be soothed or calmed by me. He didn't want to cuddle. He was just a gasy, sleepless, vomit-y, unhappy....mess. I wasn't sure how I would ever survive this phase. Or if he would EVER sleep. 

This feels like the perfect moment to circle back. So my 10 year old slept until 10:30 the other day. In the morning....

8 years from now, he will be graduating from high school. (hopefully lol). We will be deciding on life direction, and his summers and holidays are no longer guaranteed to be mine.

I have 8 summers left with him. As I look back at his childhood phases up until now, it seems like an Instagram reel where the images are flashing too fast and I am looking for the pause button to really be able to see the pictures. But in the moments? It felt like a website that wouldn't load. I wanted this phase to be over but all I saw was that little spinny circle....going nowhere...stuck in the now.

It's really easy to think, "Once they sleep through the night. THEN it will be so much easier!" Or..."when they can just walk themselves...THEN it will be easier!" Or "When they can feed themselves, or brush their own teeth, or dress themselves, or bike themselves to school." 

But the reality is, it's like a parenting game of whack a mole. Once we conquer the mole over here, another 3 pop up over there.

Having said that, I know that nothing is more frustrating to a new mom struggling with these seasons than to have a mom with adult kids say, "You think it's hard now??? Just WAIT!" 

Just. Not helpful. Because for real. Everything is easier with sleep. 

The Dad blog says:

"To all the exhausted new parents out there, it gets better. Then it gets a little worse. Then for a while, things are going to get SO much better. Ok but after that, they'll be worse than you ever could have imagined. But then, after THAT, a little worse actually." 

I’m going to share with you 4 things that help me through my motherhood phases, the good, bad, and ugly.

The first is, acknowledging the fact that parenting is 50% amazing and 50% terrible. I would go as far as to say-- every phase is equal parts amazing and terrible. As my kiddos have grown from stage to stage, the amazing and hard shift categories, but they still both exist, 50/50. So having a ten year old son isn't easier or harder than having a newborn son. It's just...different. 

I just noted lots of things he is doing really well! But we still have huge struggles on a different level. We battle terrible attitudes, telling the truth, kindness to one of his sisters, and consistency with his chores— to name a few. It's also a new level of mom trust to let your kid ride his bike across town to his responsibilities. In 5-6 years, that bike becomes a car, and I can't even wrap my mind around that transition. It's scary parenting an older kid where his choices have much bigger consequences than just a destroyed nursery. 

Second, I think the reason that I've found certain seasons particularly hard were not because of my kiddos, but rather because of my expectation of who I thought my kiddos should be. When I was pregnant with Carter, never once did I dream that he would never sleep and vomit all the time as a baby or be a toddler who liked to push all of the boundaries. But the truth is, Carter is exactly who he is meant to be. The problem is not that he didn't sleep and liked to vomit. The problem was my expectation that he should NOT. To bring it up to the present, the problem is not that Carter struggles with lying-- the problem is my expectation that he should NOT struggle with lying. Maybe he was designed to struggle with this as a 10-year-old to give me the opportunity to teach him some valuable life lessons that he will carry with him for the rest of his life. Maybe the “issues” are God setting me up to teach what He wants my kids to learn for what they will face down the road. So getting rid of my expectations of “Wow, this is such a hard phase!” that cause me frustration and focusing instead on “How can I best help/teach him right now? I am here, ready to parent. What does he need from me?”

Every phase, as my kids grow and develop, they are being the exact versions of themselves that God created them to be. None of my parenting journey is a surprise to God— including my sleepless years and frustrations in “BUT HE WON’T STOP SWINGING FROM THE CURTAINS LIKE TARZAN”. I would go so far as to say— God designed all of this. He designed our kiddos perfectly and then paired them up perfectly with us as their mothers.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139

I learned a lot parenting Carter as a newborn and a toddler. It humbled me. It prayerfully brought me to my knees, understanding that I cannot do this in my own strength. It gave me intense empathy for others going through similar situations. It made me realize how much we are capable of as moms, especially as we learn to lean on the strength of the Lord. Even when you're beyond exhausted and you cannot possibly survive one more night with negative sleep. Not one. But somehow, miraculously, you do. And you grow a little stronger for it. Not only the experience of no sleep, but the learning, growing, and stretching of our faith and trust in God who put us in this situation with such tools as, “So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous hand.” Nehemiah 8:10

I’m convinced that the hard parts of motherhood can be exactly what we need. 

One of my favorite podcasters, Jody Moore, says that when we imagine what our unborn kids will be like someday, we write this whole story in our heads. We picture them, what they will be like, what we will be like as mothers. But then they're born. And we need to put down the book, this story that we've written about who our kids SHOULD BE, and enjoy the actual movie happening in real time in front of us of what our kiddos actually are. That story in our heads...that wasn't real. And if we hold on to it and get frustrated that our kids aren't EXACTLY like the story we wrote in our expectations story, we're going to miss out on a lot of lovely moments from what's actually happening today right before our eyes. And that reality-- that movie in front of us-- that was created by a loving heavenly father just for us. The story in our heads— that is complete fiction. 

For example: “I read online that my baby should be sleeping through the night by x amount of weeks. My baby is not sleeping through the night at x amount of weeks. Conclusion: something must be wrong with my baby.” Or fill in the blank with walking, talking, potty training, etc. Here’s a crazy thought— maybe your baby was designed NOT to sleep by x number of weeks. Or walk or talk or potty train by that magical internet deadline. Maybe your baby is on a different timeline. On your baby’s very OWN timeline. And your frustration has more to do with your expectations of your baby’s achievements than who your baby actually IS. 

The third thing that helps me through the hard parts of motherhood is recognizing that at the end of the day, none of us can control any of our kids' phases. They are going to be exactly who they were designed to be in every single phase. We can influence them. We can teach them. We can love them. (And we SHOULD do all of these things!) But we cannot control them. We can't force them into this story we've created about who they should be. We can only control who we want to be as a mom in response to who they ARE.

My only job is to meet them right where they're at and do my very best as a mom to guide them through each of their life phases with kindness, grace, love, and patience.

For example: I can't control that I spent all winter in quarantine with my daughter in a body cast and lots of hip dysplasia surgeries. But I get to decide whether I showed up for her, in surgery and recovery. Whether I was patient, kind and encouraging even on the days I was so frustrated I just wanted to cry. I can't control that my oldest has Down syndrome. But I get to decide whether I choose to focus on the 50% amazing or 50% terrible of her particular life seasons. I can share the gospel with my children. But I can't control what they choose to do with it. I can only fervently pray that the Lord will grab their hearts. The only person who controls all of these things is the Lord. Not us as moms. I can teach my kids all about life and behavior and discipline, but I can't control the choices they make as a result of this teaching. 

I can’t control if my toddler drops her smoothie and it explodes EVERYWHERE. But. I can choose what kind of mom I want to be in that moment. A screaming mom? Or a “Hey, we’re all humans and we all make mistakes. It’s okay” mom. I couldn't control whether any of my newborns would be good sleepers. Oh there are tricks and trips for sure! But you can't control it. You can only choose what kind of sleepless mom you want to be. Are you going to be a cranky sleepless mom? Or one who is still patient and kind? And for me-- often times it meant, giving myself grace when I was cranky, and apologizing to my kiddos for my slip-up and acknowledging that-- we are all humans. Mommy makes mistakes too. Modeling apologies and grace giving is one of the most powerful things we can show our kiddos.
You can choose which parts of each mothering phase to focus on. The Amazing? Or the Terrible? You get to choose this. 

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.”  James 1:2. Various trials that produce patience sounds to me like 50% terrible leads to 50% amazing. “Count it all joy”— this is deliberately choosing which direction to focus our emotions.

I personally -- with five kiddos in five very different phases right now-- find delight in every phase. Not because any of them are easy. Or 100% amazing. But because, the 4th thing that helps me through these phases— I choose to focus on the 50% good. I choose to find the joy in each phase. 

Sure, my newborn just vomited all over his crib and I have the giant mess to clean up. But as I cleaned him up and picked him up, he snuggled his head into my neck just so and wrapped his chubby arms around me and let me just squeeze him and feel his softness just melting into me. I get to choose: am I going to focus on the vomit mess? Or the snuggle afterwards?

In all reality, I am personally rather a hot mess. I am far from perfect. My sins in life have been many. Yet God looks at me and chooses to focus on his redeeming love for me. He sent his son, Jesus, to die on the cross for me, covering all of my sins and granting me forgiveness-- eternal life as I accept him into my heart through faith. And when God looks at me, he delights in me because he chooses to see the redeeming love, not my sin. Psalm 18:19 says, "He (God) rescued me, because he delighted in me."

So why, when we look at our kids, do we often choose to see just the bad? We see just the disobedience—our own frustrations, not the reasoning behind it and the mind working hard to understand the world. We see a sleepless child, not an infant who desperately is fighting to live and grow in this scary new world. We see a toddler destroying their Pinterest room, not the mind dissecting the world in front of it, ardently seeking to learn "how does this work?" 

Don’t get me wrong— these are all teachable moments that we can and should grab to help our kids learn how to function in this world!

But there are lots of approaches for us to choose from as we do this. One thing that I’ve been challenging myself with lately is to seek to understand the “why” behind the behavior. For me, this helps my patience one thousand fold as I mother them through each incident that requires teachable moments.

We all just get one chance to raise our kiddos. Perhaps this is the most terrifying part of it all. In 18 years we can't say, "Oh! That's how they turn out? Okay, let's go back and change a few things."

Conclusion: 

We all just get one chance. No doubt we will all make parenting mistakes. I make more than my fair share. But I hope someday when I look back on this long phase of childhood parenting, I will remember the delight that it was to hold my newborn-- the smell of each of their heads (this smell disappears, btw. I welcome you to catch a whiff of my 10-year-old on the days he deliberately avoids his showers). The delight of watching my toddler relearn to walk after her hip surgeries. The delight of my 5-year-old discovering reading on her own for the first time. The delight of my boys learning to cook new dishes. The delight in our conversations as we unwrap the world together. The delight of opening my phone to read random search pages left by curious minds such as-- "How fast does the Peregrine Falcon run?" The delight of my 12-year-old laughing with glee as she dances to her favorite songs. The delight of family adventures full of little people. The delight when they all make their own breakfast and let me sleep in for the first time.

I have good and bad news. Bad news-- I can’t tell you that it gets easier once they hit a certain phase. I’m also not going to tell you that it gets harder. It just gets….different. We might as well figure out how to focus on the 50% amazing and laugh off, or at least patiently endure the 50% terrible. The good news is-- we get to choose this. 

"You will never have this day with your children again. Tomorrow, they will be a little older than they are today. This day is a gift. Just breathe, notice, study their faces and little feet. Pay attention. Relish the charms of the present. Enjoy today. It will be over before you know it. " --Anonymous

“Motherhood is amazing. And then it is really hard. And then it is incredible. And then it is everything in between. So hold onto the good, breathe through the bad, and welcome the wildest and most wonderful ride of your life.”  Proud Happy Mama

xo Deanna