Internet Making Pregnancy Eating Impossible
Trying to do pregnancy in 2019 be like….
Me: “So my doctor mentioned that it’s good to limit coffee and caffeine. But I do LOVE to sip a hot beverage in the morning so I’ll just replace my normal coffee consumption with a nice, hot decaf tea! Yes! This is yummy! I can do this!”
smugly pats self on back for this baby-healthy choice
The Internet: “This just in, tea bags now found to contain large quantities of pesticides. Do not drink. I repeat, DO NOT DRINK.
Me: (spits out tea) Um, Okay. Maybe I’ll just drink some milk?
The Internet: “Milk v v dangerous. Contains high levels of antibiotics and hormone disruptors. Milk will MESS you UP.”
Me: I was kidding about the death milk, obviously. Going to just have a quick sip of water instead.
The Internet: “Bottled water VERY HARMFUL because plastic dissolves itself into the water. WILL KILL YOU. Tap water, NO GO, large doses of harmful chemicals present that will destroy you from the inside out. Don’t even TRY to filter all that out yourself. (laughs)”
Me: Okay not thirsty anymore. I’m just going to have this lovely avocado, romaine salad. Yum. I’ll have this for every meal just to be safe.
A week later:
The Internet: “Romaine Lettuce now containing ECOLI. DO NOT EAT. I repeat, Do not eat!!!!! If you have touched it in the last week you should update your will..”
Me: Um. Wow. Oops. Okay, let’s switch the avocado over to a grilled cheese sandwich. I do love an avocado grilled cheese and the avocado is such a good brain food for the baby!
The Internet: “Avocados now found to include traces of listeria. ESPECIALLY DANGEROUS FOR PREGNANT WOMAN. AVOID AT ALL COSTS.”
Me: “Okay. Well. This ice cream looks good. I didn’t see any warnings about ice cream.”
The Internet: “Pregnancy is no excuse to gain weight. Now stay slim and fit through your whole pregnancy with my workout program! Will only cost you $2299.99 a month! But look like me! And no ice cream! (slaps ice cream away from other side of screen)
The Internet: “Might I suggest some fish? It contains ingredients crucial to a baby’s brain development and it’s also very good for keeping your weight down. Lots of yummy stuff there to help both you and baby!”
Me: “Cool, cool. I can do fish.”
The Internet: “WHAT are you DOING? Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you EVER to eat fish while pregnant. NEVER. High levels of mercury and other metals will DESTROY your unborn child.”
Me: “But you just said—”
The Internet: “Here’s a sale on those new size 3 boys athletic shoes you thought about buying once last week. I believe you were leaning toward the orange and black? Best price here.”
Me: “But I’m still hungry! What can I eat that’s safe for baby?”
The Internet: “You’re welcome.
Me: Maybe I’ll just have a little cereal…
The Internet: DON’T FORGET DEATH MILK
The Internet: “Wait...THAT cereal??? So much sugar in raisin bran. Ridiculous. You might as well just drink 5 lbs of poison white sugar straight from the bag. DO YOU HATE YOUR BABY.”
Me: Protein granola bar?
The Internet: Processed foods were created by Satan. DO YOU WANT TO FEED YOUR BABY SATAN FOOD.
Me: No worries. Just going to snack on these fresh, organic, super healthy grapes.
The Internet: “Woman In New Hampshire Just Bit By Black Widow Spider That Crawled Out Of Her Newly Purchased Grapes. Her Entire Body Exploded And Then She Died A Slow And Painful Death.”
Me: This air is delicious.