Monday, January 8, 2018

It Has Taken Me 7 Months To Be Able To Tell This Story

(this post includes affiliate links)
I need to talk about the day I looked out my window and saw my kids pooping all over the driveway.

Yes, you read that correctly. Yes, this was just as bad as it sounds.

It all started with a ginormous box of Fiber One bars.

Honestly, I blame Costco for having this city-sized box on sale. If Costco hadn't tempted me to buy SO MANY delicious, chocolate, fiber-packed bars, perhaps this never would have happened.

I was thankful when I saw the sale. THANKFUL. I had no idea the horrors that were coming my way. I was just thinking of Addison and her need for fiber and her love for chocolate.

I did NOT SEE THIS COMING AT ALL.

To understand this story fully, you must first know that this story happened 7 months ago. It has taken 7 months for me to be able to say these words out loud. And as I recounted it this morning and started crying with hysterical laughter, I thought that maybe the trauma of this event had faded to memory and maybe I should write this out as a warning to all the other moms out there (or perhaps some sort of birth control ad?....just thinking out loud).

7 months ago the kids were halfway through summer school break, and kind of antsy (read: a LOT antsy). The boys were allowed to go play out in the driveway for small periods of time while I was in the house with the girls. They did great with this.

Until that day.

Basically, I hid a ginormous box of Fiber One Bars in the cabinet up over the fridge that the boys promptly located...climbed up to retrieve (see a photo from another instance up above)...

...and stole. They stole the entire box.

They then ate enough Fiber One bars to fill the Grand Canyon while I thought they were out playing with their trucks in the driveway.

No. They were eating straight up fiber covered in chocolate and unknowingly preparing their systems for blast off.

I looked out the window to check on the boys and saw two fully potty trained boys squatting in the driveway. Bare bums. Pants around the ankles. Flashing all of traffic this side of Boston.

What the--

I sprinted outside and discovered that DESPERATE NEED had struck (x2) as the box of bars hit their systems in full and EVERYTHING MUST COME OUT NOW.

All.over.the.driveway.

I stood there in shock, wondering...How did I get here? How is this my life? And just I was mid-pity party, I looked up and was aghast to see the boys STILL EATING FIBER ONE BARS.

"STOP! STOP EATING THE BARS!" I screamed.

"BUT THEY'RE SO GOOD!!!!" they screamed back, simultaneously taking another bite of their stolen goods.

Aaron's landscape crew would later comment that they found a TON of Fiber One bar wrappers in the yard and what was up with that?

They were lucky that's all they found. Because as two boys were deprived of their snack and sent to their rooms (with liberal permission given to take bathroom breaks), guess who had to scoop up piles out of the driveway like she was cleaning up after a dozen dogs on a colon cleanse????

You guys. This was so traumatizing. There was even a section where they had used a toy skid steer to move some of it around. (OMG BURN THE SKID STEER.)

This was a low low low moment for me as a mom. I was seriously so upset. For 7 months. At which point it became so funny I couldn't breathe while telling the story. (not sure when...or how...this transitioned over?)

My kids stole a Costco-sized box of Fiber One Bars, ate them all, and then pooped all over my driveway because they literally couldn't make it inside to the bathroom.

Never in a million years would I have believed that I would have to say that sentence in regards to my actual life.

This morning I was at our church's preschool mom breakfast and we were talking about recharging and mom attitudes and responding graciously to our kids with things happen.

I commented that I will have the BEST attitude and be SO GRACIOUS and KIND and this amazing motherhood figure 999 incidents in a row, but then the first half hour of the day has passed and I hit time 1,000 and I.lose.it. (probably because my kids have just pooped all over the driveway).

And then I apologize. And we grow and we learn and we move on and we DON'T BUY FIBER ONE BARS IN BULK NO NEVER AGAIN.

But man. This is hard.

I hate losing it on my kids. I hate yelling.

I will say that I have seen improvement as I pray through these moments. I have seen huge growth in my own spiritual walk as I'm faced with these choices. But I am so far from perfect. So. far.

And I can't help but wonder if maybe these things happen to 1. Provide us with an arsenal of stories for the girls who someday decide to date these boys (warnings must be given!) 2.  Poke holes in my smug motherhood attitude of "Look how great I'm responding these 999 times!" and then BAM. Driveway Poopalypse. Whatcha got now, Deanna??? Still super calm and sweet????

I can't do this on my own.

And maybe just maybe these horrible things happen in motherhood to remind me of that.

Also...a sense of humor helps a ton. Even when it takes 7 months for it to kick in.

Better late than never.

Disclaimer: no boys were hurt in the making of this blog post. I wish I could say the same for the Fiber One bars, the driveway's dignity, and my sanity.

Disclaimer part 2: why yes those ARE affiliate Fiber One links. This is not a sponsored post but I just KNEW you would all wan to run out and BUY ALL THE FIBER ONE BARS after reading this blog post. You're welcome.

Disclaimer part 3: I am so so so so sorry to be telling poop stories. This breaks all my rules. But I just couldn't NOT SAY THIS. I promise to be good from now on. Pinky swear.

p.s. if your kids struggle with constipation...I have SUCH A GREAT IDEA FOR YOU!

11 comments:

  1. Ok I am rolling on the floor laughing...not at you. With you! Remindse of the time my Aunt senr my cousin to her room and she decided to use her poop to deorate her room. If there is one positive is it all happened outdoors and is cleaned up with a hose...my cousins room was a complete mess and stunk...

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  2. I can't even...this may even top my poop story. But I'll let you be the judge.
    When my daughter was 3, she couldn't figure out how to flush the toilet. One day, she was in the bathroom when I realized that her then 1 year old brother was nowhere to be seen. I raced into the bathroom as he had a fondness of playing in toilet water and sure enough, there he was with his hands in the toilet. I screamed no, as I watched him take his hands out of the toilet and PUT THEM IN HIS MOUTH. As I leapt across the room in a single bound, I realized to my horror that he was not just drinking toilet water, he was scooping his sister's poop out of the toilet and EATING IT. He screamed bloody murder when I took him away from the toilet because, while the kid refused to eat food, he'd finally found something he liked eating. His breath smelled like something crawled down his throat and died the rest of the day.

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  3. This story makes me and my crazy family feel a little more normal. Do not feel alone!! Once, when my daughter (who has DS and is an Addison as well) was about 6, we were outside playing in the yard. My BRAND NEW neighbor walked over with her 3 year old son to play for a bit and get to know each other. I realized that I hadn’t seen Addie for a few minutes so we went around to the front yard to find her squating in the road of our culdsac with her pants and underwear tossed in the yard pooping! I was mortified but thankfully my neighbor was very sweet and had a 3 year old, so she already knew the perks of motherhood. Coincidentally, she had another son a few months later and shared with me that she walked into the living room one day to find her oldest peeing on the baby. Oh the joys of being a mother. #AintNoHoodLikeMotherHood

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  4. This post just made my day. �� you Deanna!

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  5. Fabulous story! I’m (almost) sorry to don’t have a similar story to torment my now teens with.

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  6. Hahahahahaha ohhhh man. I am so glad you shared this, and I am glad that the trauma has worn off!!!! Ohh those boys!!!!

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  7. Our DS boy was known as "Poopcasso" for 2 whole endless years. Someone would shout he's pooping and we (3 other siblings and I) would mobilize an army to keep him stationary until I could get him changed. Now imagine this in a Burger King... Your Welcome.

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  8. Laughed until I cried! Oh, wow! I'm glad you can laugh about it now, but I'm sure it was traumatizing at the time.

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  9. Hahahahaha!!!! Oh my gosh! I'm so glad you can laugh about it now!

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  10. O my gosh that is just awful and hilarious and soooo funny

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  11. Thank you for giving me my laugh of the day! Life is never boring in your corner of Essex.

    Would you be able to hide the chocolate chips and fiber bars in your bedroom closet and lock your bedroom door? Or the closet door?

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