As I slowly sip the coffee and converse with my husband, I watch our children. Our 3 beautiful children are all playing so peacefully in front of us. Eli climbs the steps of the red and blue toddler slide. Carter lies on his belly playing intently with a half a dozen matchbox cars. Addison sits off to the side reading a book.
My days as mother often blend into each other with a sort of dizzying sameness. Yet not at all boring. I am in love with Eli's impish smile and tiny voice. I am in love with Carter's communication and his big boy behavior. I am in love with Addison's giggle and constant ability to surprise me.
and on through Mommy, Daddy, and Papa
I am embarrassed to admit how blown away I was by this. If I was SO surprised, did this mean that I secretly thought that she couldn't do this? That she wasn't capable of reading so soon? I then felt guilty because I hadn't been working on this with her-- at all. I'm sure she learned this at school. But then I took my embarrassment and guilt and just gave into the pride of my little girl-- the one who is constantly surprising me. There was a time that I looked 20 years ahead and was immediately sad and scared for her future. Now I'm convinced that I can't see into her future any more than I can see into the future of her brothers.
I have so much to learn about Down syndrome. I have so much to learn about Addison.
All of these things swirl together in my mind as I lean against my partner-in-crime on this soft, used-to-be white couch and drink delicious coffee. Gratitude, joy, remembrance of frustration, embarrassment, guilt, pride, confidence, desire to learn more-- motherhood is a constant whirlwind of emotions that takes me on the ride of my life.
It seems that many are choosing one word for their new year. Last year, my word was no doubt "SURVIVE!" I did not pick it. It picked me.
This year I think I want my word to be "Be".
Simply "Be still and know that I am God".
Resting in the moments bursting with gratitude and just being in them. No rush to the next big thing-- to a more well rested time-- to a more successful moment. Just being.
Not wishing away the mess of craft and snack time to get to nap time, but rather facing the mess head-on and enjoying it as much as the children do. Being.
The moments are imperfect-- sticky, too long and yet super short, frustrating, exhilarating, messy, lonely, and sweet. Yet they are my moments, God's gifts to me, and therein lies their perfection.
And I don't think I could have handpicked a better crew to just be with. With the gratitude comes an awareness of God's goodness to me. These 3 are definitely my good.
p.s. in case you missed it...I explained a bit more about my soon-to-be released book in my last post.