Monday, September 22, 2014
Who said this?:
"She clung to my leg, not speaking, not signing, but whining like a tea kettle on boil that refused to cool. It was obvious that she wanted to say something- ask for something, but she simply couldn't.
I asked her every question I could think to ask. I showed her objects that maybe she might like to eat. I cycled through her vocabulary of signs hoping she would mimic one of them back to me. I begged with her to tell me what she wanted; why she was whining; what I could do to help her.
Her only response was to whine some more. A never-ending whine that carried with it frustration, sadness, and so many unspoken thoughts that she couldn't release past her lips because it was just too difficult to make her mouth obey her mind."
and who said this?:
"Feeling like the most terrible mother in the world, I thought about how unfair this is. How unfair that I have spend hundreds of hours with her in speech therapy and yet her ability to tell me why she is upset still isn't there. How unfair that I have married my soul to Signing Time but in her time of need her small hands rest still at her side. How unfair that after three years of dedicated, diligent work I have a three year old with barely the communication skills of a one year old.
It is frustrating. It is draining. It is unfair.
Carter is already communicating so much better than she is, and this breaks my heart in a new way. Will she ever grow up enough to tell us what she wants? Will my bond with Carter grow stronger than my bond with her because he's able to share with me what's going on while her only solution is this madness-inducing whine?"
and even this:
I tried to find peace within myself over this. I tried to turn it into a sparkly end-of-the story moment that would prove to me that all of this work was for something even though speech progress seems to be at a death crawl. But I couldn't find peace. Because there's no guarantee that Addison will ever be able to share her thoughts with us. There's no guarantee that she won't always be practically nonverbal. There's no guarantee that she won't be a ten year old on the floor whining just like she did that morning. I felt myself pushed over an invisible edge that I didn't notice was there until I found myself falling.
And then I cried. I cried for what I felt I deserved based on the work I had put in. I cried for the frustration that was probably just beginning. I cried because this was hard.
It's unfair that she has worked so hard in Speech Therapy for hundreds of hours and yet she still can't tell me what she wants. It's unfair that she has dedicated so many hours to Signing Time and yet in her moment of need she can't put together the signs to say the thoughts buzzing around in her head. It's unfair that after three years of working hard to get healthy, growing, and learning she is still so far behind other children who have done these same things with a lot less effort."
Yes, you guessed it. I said it- almost 2 years ago about Addison.
Why do I bring this up today? Because today a little girl wearing her twirly pink skirt and puffy vest waved to me and said "Bye, Mommy!" as she took Mrs. T's hand and went to school.
Because this morning before school I asked Addison, "Do you want cereal?", she replied, "No. Toast."
Because even before that, she woke up in her room and yelled "All done now!"
And then grabbed her clothes and said "I want help."
At lunch today she finished her yogurt and said "More please mommy. More -gurt."
Last night when she emerged, dripping from the bath, she said "Towel." After I wrapped her in a warm, dry towel, she handed me her dripping wet doll and said "Eli towel and sleeper." (all babies are named Eli, don't you know?)
When Eli runs into her with his walker, she yells "NO Eli NO. No hit me."
and when Carter picks on her, she yells "No Carter!"
When she needs to go potty, she says "Potty. Potty. Potty"
When she wants to read, she says "Book, please." Or "watch Signing Time."
As soon as she gets in the bathtub, she demands "Bus song!"
and while we eat dinner she asks "Story."
If I forget to get her utensils, she yells "SPOON!"
If she is thirsty, she asks "I want water."
When I repeat an instruction to her and asks if she understands, she says "OBEY."
When she wants to go outside she says "Outside!" or perhaps "Car! Walk! Papa's House! Ice cream! Aunt Kiki!"
And when it is HER turn she makes sure I know "Addison turn. Addison turn."
When I hand her something, she says "Thank you."
I could go on and on. What's my point?
I cannot believe her speech explosion. I mean, seriously- wow. She has found her little voice, and she is not afraid to use it. I just wanted to take a minute here on the blog to look at this past post, and say YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!
The whining from two years ago has turned into communication of basic wants and needs with us.
So many of you told me to be patient and that she would talk in her own time.
Well guess what?
You were right.
And I shall continue to be patient as her speech continues to develop.
She is amazing. I know this, because she told me so.
Like peanut butter on the fingers of a curious toddler, this post is begging to be shared.
Posted by Deanna at 12:54 PM