Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Every Day Is April Fools' Day When You Have Toddlers

I get pranked every single day. Sometimes multiple times a day. My toddlers are the reason why I am not in the mood to "celebrate" April Fools' this year. I am so over the concept.

Out of consideration for the day celebrating their normal, my tots agreed to guest post this one for me.

Every Day Is April Fools' Day
By Addison and Carter (Eli did not help at all)

You think I'm going to sleep through the night now just because I'm 2 1/2??? I am going to cry hysterically on the hour every hour tonight. Good luck calming me down. I have plans to vomit all over my room acting like I had a bad dream but really I just want to mess with you. April Fools'!

You gave us ice cream so you think we're going to be super happy. But then sister steals my ice cream when I look away for a minute. I start crying at the unjustice of an empty ice cream bowl. Sister is crying because the stolen ice cream isn't smooshed down enough for her to get on her spoon. Baby cries just because he is a copy cat. You gave us ice cream as a special treat, and we are all sobbing uncontrollably. April Fools'!

You think I'm in my room playing, but I'm actually in the garage using that cool thing called a hammer just like Daddy taught me.  (too bad about all your stuff that got in the way) April Fools'!

NEED CRACKERS NOW! now. NOOOOOOWWWW! so. hungry. pwease. CRACKERS! thank you.(crumbles and dumps all over living room) April Fools'!

Play outside! Go outside! Deck deck DECK! Thank you for taking a half hour to change me, dress me, and winterize me. The 30 seconds out there was lovely. BACK IN NOW! April Fools'!

HELP! Carter help mommy make dinner! Stir! Salt! EAT CHEESE! pwease. HELP! And by help I mean climb up onto the counter and lick all the raw chicken.  Good luck watching my every possible symptom for the next 24 hours! hehe april fools'

-stick pencils in all sticks of deodorant-

I love that you spent all that time washing, folding, and putting away my clothes! You must really love me. To show my appreciation, I will pull out every last bit of my clothes from the drawers, take off my diaper, and pee all over them. Nothing says thank you like a yellow shower of love!

Oh I'm sorry. Did you think I said I would go "potty" in the "potty"? No. no. No. I just heard that if you sit up here you get chocolate. Anytime now. Chocolate. Mine. Now. I am balancing up here like no one's business and I only stuck my foot down in the bath down below once trying to climb down. That's so funny you thought I would actually do something up here. HA. APRIL FOOLS'!

I just want to lie on your bed and pillow and feel close to you! (rips off all bedding and uses bed as trampoline as soon as Mommy leaves to do something selfish like make dinner) April Fools'!

I am going to sleep way in, pretend to be dying when you check on me, and whimper pathetically until you use your barometer for toddler illness seriousness. "Do you want to go watch Frozen?" When I hop enthusiastically out of bed and demand popcorn to go with my movie, I will expect you to live up to your promise. Gotcha. April Fools'!

Stand next to oven. Demand cookies. Start crying. Pretend pain. Grab cookie sheet. Demand cookies. Hand Mommy cookie sheet. Open oven. Cry harder. Use the phrase "cookie shaped hole in my belly". Watch mommy compromise with crackers. YES! CRACKERS!  She must have forgotten a half hour ago she said "NO SNACKS UNTIL DINNER". Gotcha again! April Fools'!

-smear berry muffin on toilet seat-

-finish eating muffin-

No, I don't need any more breakfast. I couldn't possibly eat another bite. Thank you, though. -Wait until mommy (or Daddy-  we're not picky) sits down with breakfast. Demand all of it. April Fools'

I KNOW I said that super brilliant thing at home with you as the only audience member. But of course I will NOT say it in front of all these people I just heard you bragging about me to. Do you think I'm a trained monkey? I said I would? What? LOL APRIL FOOLS'

Look, mommy's writing a blog post about how much I love school! Cue phone call from teacher telling mommy how I bit my aide this week. Yes, I know I said I love school. It's delicious! April Fools'!

I know I ate that really well the last time you made it, but there's no way I'm letting it even TOUCH my lips today. It's not my fault you went and bought the ingredients in bulk. I don't like it any more. I told you I would love it forever?? April Fools'!

Wait and watch until she is completely broken. Sobbing. Moaning. Lying on the floor clutching clean diapers and speed dialing Daddy's voicemail every thirty seconds. Walk over. Pat her gently on her hair. Whisper "I love you". Watch all your sins be erased.
Like peanut butter on the fingers of a curious toddler, this post is begging to be shared.

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