Saturday, February 15, 2014

Breaking News: Blogger Spotted Out Of Her House With No Children

It has been reported that Ms. Smith was seen leaving her house on the evening of February 14th, 2014.

As if it wasn't enough that she was wearing a little black dress, her "nice" coat, and sporting hair that actually looked as though it had been brushed- this Mommy of three had NO children with her. Our team has been digging for more dirt on this shocking turn of events.

Every time she has been spotted around town the past twelve weeks, she has had a cling-on hanging out solemnly (or not so solemnly) in an infant carseat carrier very near to Ms. Smith at all times. Not to mention the two toddlers who were spotted stealing cookies from her cart at a local grocery store last week. Our contact last night informed us that the cookie stealing toddlers AND the carseat was left behind on the evening of February 14th with what seemed to be an extremely reputable babysitter.

About an hour later witnesses spotted her with what appeared to be a clean-shaven stranger at a hotel ballroom in South Burlington. Upon closer inspection, it was decided that the clean-shaven stranger was actually her husband. All accounts agree that he does indeed "clean up nicely". Their parked vehicle seemed to be a truck full of snow removal equipment. The crowd relaxed noticeably upon seeing this as the foot of snow already fallen that day made parking a bit questionable.

Almost unrecognizable herself without her customary flannel pajama pants- Ms. Smith seemed to glow with something other than baby spit-up. One witness suggested the possibility of happiness creating the glow. Another mentioned seeing that same look on the face of a caged animal finally given freedom out into the wild.

This glow quickly changed into something else after a mere fifteen minutes. Something tense and nervous. Checking her phone every two minutes, the "update" button on her email seemed to be getting a workout even more rigorous than her spanxs. A worried face was turned to her husband constantly through dinner. A nearby diner heard her whisper "But he woke up!!! Is he OK? Does he think I've abandoned him??? My BABY!!!!"

Parenting experts suggest that leaving your baby for the first time in the care of someone else can create anxiety in the new mother. Ms. Smith seemed to be no exception to this rule.

This anxiety only seemed to ease as the dance floor started filling up. Dragging her husband out onto the dance floor, the blogger from Essex began shaking what we can only assume to be out-of-sync Zumba moves while wearing flashy silver heels that blinded several nearby dancers. We attempted to obtain the name of this Zumba instructor for comment, but the embarrassed teacher begged not to be mentioned. The heels are still being held in police custody waiting to be questioned.

Chatting with friends, slurping down her meal so quickly that no doubt she forgot that she didn't need to hurry in order to feed three tiny people in addition to herself, drinking too many cups of coffee (tsk tsk), listening to the offered program, and oogling over her husband's piece of chocolate cake- Ms. Smith seemed to relax and enjoy what we can only assume to be a Valentine's Day date.

All witness accounts concur that it seemed to be a lovely evening although pictures of the three children were missed on Instagram for an entire four hours. Followers could be seen sobbing into their phones as they wondered what had become of the clearly neglected children.

February 14th, 2014- late in the evening the couple returned home with a new spring in their step. One person suggested this could have been due to the large amounts of sugar in the cake consumed for dessert. Another wondered what happened to that ankle that appeared to be sprained and smushed toes from the dancing debacle. Yet a third witness concluded that perhaps the caffeine from the coffee started to truly kick in. We have our own theory. (insert mushy comment about love and togetherness gaining perspective when stepping away)

February 15th, 2015- back to the grindstone. When asked for a comment, Ms. Smith replied with a new facebook status update:

It's amazing how much cuter your children are the morning after a night out. #hotdate #awesomebabysitter#mychildrenhaveneverlookedmorebeautifulwhiningovereggs

We suggest that she seek therapy for her hashtag addiction.


Like peanut butter on the fingers of a curious toddler, this post is begging to be shared.

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