Sometimes I think I can't possibly hear another episode of Signing Time without my ear drums bursting. Sometimes I obsess about the mundane activities that I have to do every day to keep up with two little ones and I just want to scream because they never end. Sometimes I whine that my kids aren't sleeping. Sometimes I wish for freedom of movement that I don't have now because of the constant presence of two toddlers. Sometimes I get so caught up in the petty-bad of this moment that I forget about the bigger picture.
The mothers who lost babies today won't be able to listen to their children's favorite TV shows without tears and wishing they could go back to when there was a little person begging for "one more time". The mothers who lost babies today would do anything to have to assist in one more bath time and bedtime ritual. The mothers who lost babies today would trade anything to have another sleepless night with their little ones. The mothers who lost babies today will walk through life without a little hand to hold and feel like something is missing every step of the way. The mothers who lost babies today are living the reality of their worst nightmare becoming their bigger picture.
This is such a tragedy. Such a loss. The "whys" are loud today. The questions will probably never have answers and yet they are still there in abundance.
And I am feeling rebuked. For complaining about a job that is still mine to do. For taking my babies for granted. For forgetting that those impish faces won't always be here to kiss. For assuming that that each breath is anything other than a gift.
I'm praying for those families today. I'm praying for those mothers with empty arms. I'm praying for the surviving little kids who shouldn't have to know violence and trauma this personally.
I had a different post planned for today. I spent hours crafting it. But now it seems disrespectful to say anything other than:
My thoughts and prayers go out to all of those affected by the school shooting in Connecticut today.
I'm holding my babies tight. And I'm taking a moment of silence to respect the lives lost today.