Friday, December 21, 2012

Cleaning For Company

Just in case any of you struggle with cleaning your house for company while you have little "uncleaners" following your every move, I put together a foul proof plan to make sure your house looks its best for all of your fabulous holiday entertaining. (and if your children HAVEN'T stained your furniture, decorated your walls with oatmeal, hidden various food items around the house to go bad, spiraled your laundry out of control, and just generally "disastered" the house...you probably shouldn't read this (unless you want to feel really good about yourself)

How to prepare your house 
for holiday company in 20 easy steps:
(you're welcome)

1. Find large cardboard box(es)

2. Pick up everything on the floor that isn't supposed to be there and place it in cardboard box(es)

3. Hide cardboard box(es) in the basement

4. Attempt to locate the source of "the smell"

5. After six hours of searching without finding anything "smell" worthy, give up and pray to the Febreze gods 

6. Put up a "WARNING Construction Zone" sign up in the kitchen and follow through with a few well-placed hammer holes into the drywall so it looks more believable

7. Play "fake Yuletide fireplace" on the TV (don't underestimate the power of a warm and fuzzy ambiance)

8. Light at least one Yankee Candle Apple Cider scent in each room (because sometimes even the Febreze gods need help)

9. Throw all of the toys outside and hope for snow 

10. Seal off the bathroom with more "CONSTRUCTION" signs and leave directions to the nearest gas station on the door (bonus points if your note can be sung to the tune of a Christmas carol)

11. Swaddle your children in Swiffer material and tell them Santa is watching to see who can do the most gymnastics "log rolls"

12. Take the bulbs out of 75% of your light fixtures

13. Prepare a story about how the dim lighting really puts you in the Christmas spirit 

14. Splatter oatmeal more evenly around the large blobs already dried onto the wall to create a festive pattern

15. String Christmas lights over the large pile of laundry constantly left in the corner and put a few perfectly wrapped presents at the base (perfection is important)

16. Replace all of your Christmas cards with "Get Well" cards (for added effect, find an old hospital bracelet and tape it back onto your wrist)

17. Hang a large sheet over the doorway to each bedroom and explain to your guests that that space is under quarantine for the deadly (word of choice) virus

18. When the children refuse to cooperate beyond one log roll each, scatter peanut shells throughout the house and announce that this Christmas party is Texas Roadhouse-themed

19. Hide stained furniture in the basement next to the large box full of "randoms"and be prepared to tell a hysteric story about how it was all stolen right before the guests arrived

20. Shred all of your couch cushions (the rest of the way) and dramatically proclaim that you couldn't remember which ones you hid the diamonds in

So there you go.

Follow these steps and you will be ready to make party memories that you will never forget.

p.s. after I entertained myself by writing this list...I then rolled up my sleeves and actually cleaned my house (with my husband's help because this blog post inspired him to keep a closer eye on me...win/win)



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