Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Skinny

OK. I'm going to say it. The thing that everyone is thinking but no one actually says out loud.

Here goes. Ready?

Approaching out of nowhere (WHERE IS TIME GOING?) are the holidays. Opportunity after opportunity for parties and family gatherings and such. And sometimes this means traveling out of town to party and family gather it up with people that you haven't seen since last year's parties and family gatherings. (Read: we're going out of town next week for a big family reunion)

When you're in the stage of life with very small children, this means that you think back to the last time you saw these individuals and desperately try to remember what stage of bloating/pregnancy swollen/post-baby/pre-baby stage you were in the last time you saw them. This then determines how fabulous you need to look in order to save face with the weight loss police that makes an appearances at most universal family gatherings.

Still with me?

For next week's gathering, I haven't seen many of these people since before I had Addison. And HYPOTHETICALLY speaking, I might be a way different weight (and body shape) than I was then.

Therefore when I see them next week, they are in for a shock.

They will probably ask if Aaron's skinny wife died and who is that lumpy "comfortably shaped" woman he's with now. (OK fine they're way nicer than this but in my mind's eye that's all I imagine them thinking)

This concerns me. Greatly. Being the problem solver that I am, I put together a little week-before-the-holidays weight loss plan that I have been following pretty closely. I'm sure I can whip my ol' body back into shape through SHEER willpower in a WHOLE seven days.

Easy peasy.

And because I'm such a thoughtful person, I am going to share this list with you.

You are welcome.

I'm certain this will dramatically change how you spend this next week. And of course prepare you to be at your body's best shape by the time the holidays roll around....oh say next week.

DEANNA'S HOLIDAY WEIGHT LOSS PLAN

1. Bake lots of cookies to take to the family gathering
   -sample the dough large spoonfuls at a time
   -sample the first and last two cookies from each batch (quality control is very important)
   -have a social cookie with each of your children
   -have a social cookie when your husband comes home
   -drink whole milk to wash down each cookie

2. When you get stressed thinking about packing up two children and all of their necessities for a week, go have a cookie. And a bagel. And anything with carbs that will provide your stomach with enough happiness to accompany that extra cup of coffee.

3. Insert a coffee IV so that you can pour straight flavored creamer into your mug.

4. Go to an exercise class and only participate half-heartedly because you're saving up your energy to pack suitcases when you get home

5. Pick out the clothes you're going to take and then shrink them all in the dryer to make you feel extra guilty about each extra lump and roll.

6. Have a tshirt made that says "I've had two children in two years...but not for breakfast"

7. Stay up all night worrying about which jeans have the best chance of  fitting; pre-first baby pants, post-first baby pants, pre-second baby pants, post-second baby pants? While having a midnight cookie snack, reject them all as possibilities and decide to drag both kids shopping for new jeans the next day.

8. Medicate heavily before attempting that.

9. Have a nine hundred calorie snack along with your Lean Cuisine and convince yourself that since you didn't finish that last bite, it was probably only three hundred calories.

10. Make some more cookies (following step #1)

11. Repeat constant prayers and affirmations to your metabolism so that it will kick it up a notch for a week or two

12. Write a blog post about your weight loss thoughts. Be as sarcastic as possible. This will make the pounds just FALL off.

13. Pull out your Jillian Michaels 30 Day shred DVD and laugh at how uncomfortable she looks all fit on the cover and then relax for a few minutes on the couch.

14. Follow Pinterest boards that emphasis large scarfs and baggy layers as this year's fall fashion.

15.  While you're on Pinterest, pin hundreds of sinful looking desserts and tell yourself that you will make them for "gifts" (this will most likely make you hungry for more cookies)

16. Write a list of snarky replies for when people slyly mention that you "look good" including a fake pregnancy due date, a reason why you needed to wear this baggy sweatshirt when everyone else is all dressed up, and/or your recent stock purchase in spanxs.

17. Sleep through your alarm for an early morning run, but during that extra sleep have a very detailed dream about an awesome run in which you run super fast for miles and miles.

So there you have it. All you really need is a plan aaaaaand WALA you will be family gathering ready.

Anyone else struggling with this problem? NO??? Just me? Well, you could have said something before I shared my top secret plan...

Oh, and if you need a cookie recipe, try this sugar drop cookie one:
I thought I would be safe making them since they're not chocolate, but they are surprisingly awesome. Well, not for that aforementioned jean shopping....ahem...


and if anyone that will be at that family gathering actually reads this...I know you're not that mean at all and that there's not a weight loss police. Telling myself that is just my secret motivation in the plan...

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