Thursday, October 11, 2012

The Trouble With Appearances

It's funny (not as in haha funny...as in hmmmmm funny) how deceiving appearances can be.
What appears like a fun "Hey, let's play on the unfinished deck because when it's actually finished it's going to be too cold for us to care" type of morning
might actually be a
"I'm going to cry and pout until you take me back inside to watch more Signing Time" type of morning.
so, so pathetic
You know what else is funny? (still hmmmmm not haha)

Anyone remember the post I wrote the other day- detailing my very slow unravel?

While I was at the park making up new swear words because I couldn't keep my two kids out of the street, a friend drove by and thought "That's so nice that they're having fun at the park."
Appearances can be deceiving.

(Surprise! Carter is not ACTUALLY inspecting his daddy and Papa's work on the deck- GASP)
Many of you have commented on my "I'm going crazy" posts this week. Kind, sweet words of "ME TOO!" from friends that I look at and think wistfully how easy they all make it look and what a perfect life they must lead.
Appearances are funny that way (oh wait, we covered that already, didn't we).

I know it looks like Addison is posing in the fall sunshine in this next picture....but she's actually running toward the house, tripping every foot or so, and crying that her mean mother made her go outside to play when she DIDN'T WANT TO (the NERVE!).
I put on a brave face here about the book that I have poured a lot of myself into over the past few years. I casually post excerpts and nod and smile in all the right places in the"oh yeah- I wrote a book" kind of way.
But the truth is- I am terrified. I am terrified that all of that work will be for nothing. I'm terrified that because my book isn't about vampires or magic or shades or a certain color- no publisher will be willing to take on the risk of an unknown, new author. I'm terrified that no one will read the story that I have spent years crafting. I'm terrified that I'm not good enough to really make a difference.
And to be completely honest (I use that phrase a lot, don't I) I've let that insecurity and the "they're all just waiting for me to fail" mentality here onto my blog. And it's begun to drag me down into a kind of depression that isn't pretty at all.

I had been wallowing in this and feeling quite sorry for myself when a reader sent me something she wrote about my blog on her blog (say blog ten more times really fast):


I always talk about how I write to make a difference in one person's perception of Down syndrome. And Susie gently reminded me (without knowing of my struggles) that I am doing just that.

I don't know if Susie could sense my especially difficult week (why are you all rolling your eyes?), but this post meant a lot to me and really put things back into perspective.

Thank you, Susie- from the bottom of my genuine, oh-so-snarky heart. (-:

Now I'm going to leave you all with a picture that looks like a snapshot of Addison enjoying the brisk fall air but is actually a documented moment of her struggle to break free from that aforementioned mean mother's grasp. Such a rough life.
Happy Thursday to you all. 

Here's to looking beyond appearances and finding the real story (you can't see me but I'm raising my the-number-will-remain-unnamed cup of coffee to this)

p.s. If you would like your blog to be featured on my Blog Roll, email me the html for your blog button (dsmith0806@gmail.com).

p.s.s have you entered this week's giveaway yet????

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