Thursday, July 12, 2012

Next Up On The Diving Board- Mommy

Thank you for all of your encouraging, supportive comments after my day yesterday (which only got worse, btw...thank goodness THAT day is over.) I can't even tell you how much I appreciate all of you taking the time to let me know that I'm not alone in having days like that! Seriously. Thank you. (I couldn't take the time to comment on all of your comments because Carter was on watching lock down)
I think I've just been completely caught off guard by Carter's huge explosion of mobility. Addison never had an explosion. It was one tiny shuffle turned step turned ten months of practicing turned walking.

She has always been so cautious with her body- afraid of pain? I don't know. But she practices something for a long time before gingerly going all the way with the motion (such as walking).

Carter throws himself wholeheartedly into whatever he wants to do (such as dive into the bathtub and climb on top of the picnic table or breaking my favorite bracelet and then trying to eat all the beads) with no thought as to how it might physically end.

Carter:
"I want to stand in the bathtub and talk into the mirrors"
next logical thought
"Dive in"

Addison
"I want to stand in the bathtub and talk into the mirrors"
next logical thought
"I'm going to stand next to the bathtub and whine, signing 'bath' over and over again until someone puts me in."

Is the cautious factor the same for all typical vs kids with Down syndrome (or boy vs girl)? I have no idea. I just know the two unique individuals in my care and I'm not sure that I will survive Carter's next five years.

The boy is a beast and has no fear of what might happen as he pulls his latest stunt.

Up until now with my "writing career" (I say that in quotes, because, well...you know) I have been mimicking Addison's methodology toward mobility.

Over two years ago March I started this blog. Two years ago July 10th (yes, after Jenna and Tyler's wedding...my friend Karen and I talked about it all day) (-: I came home after playing at a beautiful wedding, planted myself on my couch and wrote the first chapter of my novel. (Which has now been re-written ten MILLION times)

The last two years have then involved shuffling and months of practice before trying the next step.

My mother read my first manuscript and she LOVED IT.

YIPPEEEEE ready for publication!

Sometimes I want to go back to a past version of myself and give her a smack.

"WAKE UP." I would tell her. "You have SO MUCH to learn"

I would revise again and again and again and again and again (repeat until your head starts to spin).

Friends who I love very much read it, gave me comments and then the revising started all over again. Just when I was about to give up, another door would open for opportunity, learning, and encouragement that yes, I needed to be doing this. (and let's be honest, I  needed all the many revisions as I learned to really write)

This has been a long process, and yet still it's not over.

After two years of shuffling and shyly whispering that I'm working on this project, I'm taking a head first dive into an empty bathtub.

Sunday I head out to my first Writer's Conference. I'm taking an intense week long class to learn as much as I can and do another polish on my manuscript. I'm meeting with an agent to discuss publication possibilities. I'm learning the ropes, immersing myself in the world of writing without a blog to hide behind.

To be honest- I am terrified.

I'm afraid professionals will tell me my book doesn't have what it takes. I'm afraid that they'll tell me while I write a semi-ok blog, my writing isn't novel material. I'm afraid that I'll get so intimidated by how far I still have to go that I'll want to give up.

I'm afraid that I'll have worked the past two years (and am leaving my kids for a week) for nothing.

I'm afraid that I'll have to bury my novel somewhere in the basement along with my clarinet etude books and old "woodwind solo" trophies.

I don't want this to be over. But I'm afraid it will be.

And yet, pulling a Carter, I dive headfirst into the tub not thinking about the pain.

I'm taking the biggest risk I've ever taken in hopes to open new doors for my writing.

Terrified is definitely the best word to describe it. (and would explain why my tension this week is going to land me in therapy...hmmmm massage therapy??? I apologize to everyone who knows me IRL.)

I would appreciate prayers. And could someone please throw a soft pillow at the bottom of that empty tub???

Yes, I will blog during my trip....unless I'm lying unconscious on the blood soaked pages of my book.....

1 comment:

  1. Oh deanna, that's not so much typical vs special needs as it is boy vs girl. Boys are crazy ( usually) and girls are more cautious(usually). Best of luck on this adventure, don't be so hard on yourself. Whether they love it or hate it, either way you will be learning how to make it even better. And I truly doubt anyone will hate it. You have talent :)

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for reading about my Everything and Nothing. I would love to hear from you!