I am once again perched on the familiar couch in my living room while watching two baby/toddlers play with blocks and dance to the Pandora toddler station.
Yesterday we returned from Wisconsin where we went to be with my sister and her family for the funeral of their one week old son (and for those of you who asked me- yes, he was a full term baby).
Other than leaving Addison's Signing Time DVD player in Detroit because of a distraction via a Delta employee hassle who wanted to kick us off the flight because they had overbooked it (seriously...they can DO THIS???) we have arrived home in one piece.
I have a funny post in my mind about the flight experience, but I won't write it. It's April Fools day, but I won't be playing any pranks or typing a purposefully misleading facebook status. I'm overjoyed to be reunited with Carter (who we left behind with Aaron's parents for the week), but the smile on my face is bittersweet and brief.
The image of my sixteen month old niece bending over a tiny casket to pull off a white rose to remember her brother by is something that I won't be forgetting for a very long time. The look on my sister's face after being forced to say goodbye to the baby that she grew inside her for the past 9 months is also unforgettable. Watching my entire family gather to celebrate a life that only lasted a week was doused in tragic unfairness. Wanting to shout how much I missed my boy was too cruel to even whisper when I remembered that my sister's separation from her boy is until eternity.
My heart is bruised, my spirit is thoughtful, my normally positive outlook is sad and tired.
I'm sorry if you're coming to this blog for something funny this week because you might not find it.
I love living life in vividly bright, sharp colors. But inevitably at times the dark will overshadow the lighter shades. I'm not afraid of being sad. I'm not quick to "cheer up" and forget. I think lingering in the emotion that today brings is healthy and right. Life isn't always going to be happy or fair. But the different shades and colors swirl together to create a beautifully painted canvas that represents a fair and loving God.
Right about now I wish I didn't live a thousand miles away from my sister. Friends may come and go, but sisters are there always. Those of you who have sisters understand the continuing empathetic relationship no matter how far apart you may drift distance-wise.
I think I might channel my sad energies into some sort of spring cleaning house project. Because life goes on. I want to stop, grieve, retreat and focus on her pain that will continue for a long time. But I have a small family who very much needs me and a house that was sitting in pieces when I arrived home.
I won't be throwing myself into a social scene anytime soon (especially since my best friend moved to Seattle while I was gone), but will be studying the brushstrokes of the dark colors being painted in front of me while being there for my sister in whatever ways I can.
Thank you so much for all of your sweet comments, emails and messages after my last post. This is my sister's loss and yet hits so very close to home.
Addison is now laughing at her Daddy and Carter is widening his blue eyes at me over the laptop, begging for attention. Bright flecks of color appearing on the darkness. Time to go enjoy the moment.