Sunday, April 1, 2012

Dark Colors

I am once again perched on the familiar couch in my living room while watching two baby/toddlers play with blocks and dance to the Pandora toddler station.

Yesterday we returned from Wisconsin where we went to be with my sister and her family for the funeral of their one week old son (and for those of you who asked me- yes, he was a full term baby).

Other than leaving Addison's Signing Time DVD player in Detroit because of a distraction via a Delta employee hassle who wanted to kick us off the flight because they had overbooked it (seriously...they can DO THIS???) we have arrived home in one piece.

I have a funny post in my mind about the flight experience, but I won't write it. It's April Fools day, but I won't be playing any pranks or typing a purposefully misleading facebook status. I'm overjoyed to be reunited with Carter (who we left behind with Aaron's parents for the week), but the smile on my face is bittersweet and brief.

The image of my sixteen month old niece bending over a tiny casket to pull off a white rose to remember her brother by is something that I won't be forgetting for a very long time. The look on my sister's face after being forced to say goodbye to the baby that she grew inside her for the past 9 months is also unforgettable. Watching my entire family gather to celebrate a life that only lasted a week was doused in tragic unfairness. Wanting to shout how much I missed my boy was too cruel to even whisper when I remembered that my sister's separation from her boy is until eternity.

My heart is bruised, my spirit is thoughtful, my normally positive outlook is sad and tired.

I'm sorry if you're coming to this blog for something funny this week because you might not find it.

I love living life in vividly bright, sharp colors. But inevitably at times the dark will overshadow the lighter shades. I'm not afraid of being sad. I'm not quick to "cheer up" and forget. I think lingering in the emotion that today brings is healthy and right. Life isn't always going to be happy or fair. But the different shades and colors swirl together to create a beautifully painted canvas that represents a fair and loving God.

Right about now I wish I didn't live a thousand miles away from my sister. Friends may come and go, but sisters are there always. Those of you who have sisters understand the continuing empathetic relationship no matter how far apart you may drift distance-wise.

I think I might channel my sad energies into some sort of spring cleaning house project. Because life goes on. I want to stop, grieve, retreat and focus on her pain that will continue for a long time. But I have a small family who very much needs me and a house that was sitting in pieces when I arrived home.

I won't be throwing myself into a social scene anytime soon (especially since my best friend moved to Seattle while I was gone), but will be studying the brushstrokes of the dark colors being painted in front of me while being there for my sister in whatever ways I can.

Thank you so much for all of your sweet comments, emails and messages after my last post. This is my sister's loss and yet hits so very close to home.

Addison is now laughing at her Daddy and Carter is widening his blue eyes at me over the laptop, begging for attention. Bright flecks of color appearing on the darkness. Time to go enjoy the moment.


  1. My deepest condolences to your sister and your family.
    We lost our first child at birth due to a birth defect called Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. It is such a hole in the soul.
    May the beautiful smiles of your children ease your soul and I will keep your sister in my thoughts.

  2. You are a strong woman. And no doubt even in those times when you didn't know what to say to your sister as she goes thru the worst thing a mother can, she heard what was in your heart. She hears you cry for her and wish you could help more. And with that fact know that you did help. She and all of you have a long road to recover from such a cruel unfairness. But you will stick together and make it thru. Lots of well wishes and healing hopes from Nebraska.

  3. Just thinking of you all x

  4. I have no doubt that you and your family will survive with flying colors. I am in WI so if you or your sister need anything a stranger can help me, just say the word and I'll get in the car.

  5. Glad to hear from you again. Been grieving with your family all week. Especially bittersweet for us as we celebrated Gloria's 1st birthday and Michael's 10th year in heaven. Prayers and grief for your sister.

  6. Been praying for all of you. This is such a heart hurt.

  7. Oh Deanna... was thinking about you and your family whole week...I just wanted to say how really sorry I am for your loss... I just want you to know... even though that I rarely post here I always think and pray for you. Even though you are sooooo far away, somehow I feel close to you...

  8. I love you, D. I'm glad you get that it's okay to grieve, to be a little dark for a time. I'm so sorry. So so sorry.

  9. I am so sorry for your sister. We grieved today for friends whose baby was born still exactly one year ago. Time does go on, and yet, it doesn't. Blessings to you as you navigate the days ahead.

  10. I know we don't know each other well, Deanna, but we love you and your whole family very much! We are all part of God's family! Our hearts continue to grieve for Beka and Eric's loss, and we continue to pray for all of you. So glad that you are reunited with your little guy again!

  11. So sorry for the hole that now resides in each of your hearts. Praying for peace for you all in this time of storm. Glad you made it home safely to the rest of your family.

  12. You're so right....linger. It's good. It's okay. Maybe even necessary.

    Prayers from Wisconsin :) The tough stuff of life, for sure.

  13. Heartbreaking. I cannot even imagine. Hoping your sister and your whole family find some peace.


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