Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The one where Addison fake chokes and then I almost kill her

This is why I won't be winning Mother of the Year...

and also why quite possibly some social workers might come to my house any minute now to take my children away....

Today Addison had her 2 year wellness visit. Yes, she is a proud member of the 1-Percentile-for-your-age club weighing in at 21 pounds 14 ounces. And yes, she watched Signing Time on her DVD player and melted down when I took it away because she was aggressively banging it against the floor. And of course, she refused to sign or take any steps for her Pediatrician making me appear to be a big fat liar.

But none of those were the all time low of our doctor appointment visits.

The low would be right after I gave her an innocent granola bar.

She had been whining and then signed "eat" so I gave it to her even though the doctor had JUST told me I should stay away from giving her things to eat in between meals because it is bad for her teeth.

So I winced as I handed it to her- knowing she would melt down if I didn't but also knowing that the doctor was judging me as he had JUST told me that should be avoided.

As she was nibbling away on it Chubbs style (AKA scarfing it down while snorting in appreciation) He talked about cutting her food up to make sure she didn't choke.

Just as he said the word "choke"...yes, yes she did.

I heard her produce an uncomfortable cough. and then another. She was clearly trying to work a too large chunk of granola bar past her tiny throat.

I panicked. The doctor was watching me kill my daughter right in front of him because clearly I had just broken not one but TWO rules. 1. Allowing her to "graze" 2. Not cutting it up in small pieces for her

Feeling the shame burn on my cheeks, I grabbed her up and quickly positioned her over my knees so that I could help her work out the chunk so that she could begin breathing again.

As I was putting her across my lap to start patting her back with upward motions, the little choking stinker launched herself my lap.

She was wearing only her diaper and her naked skin is hard to grab.

So then I was breaking 3 rules. 1. Allowing her to graze 2. Not cutting it up into chunks 3.Dropping her on her head

worst. mother. ever.

I grasped her soft self as she was slipping effortlessly to the floor and somehow managed to snag her seconds before her head was split on the hard tile floor of the doctor's office. (while the doctor was looking on with a gaping mouth. He had stopped talking about choking since there were clearly bigger issues at stake here)

It would have been a true case of adding insult to injury except it was Addison's injury...and completely my insult.

I couldn't even meet the doctor's eye as he then explained to me some more efficient ways that I could help her in the future (safer ways, apparently). He also said that she was fine and I hadn't needed to do that at all because clearly she wasn't choking. His eyes were shouting "JUDGMENT" and "MUST CALL SOCIAL WORKER".

As I looked at Addison's mischievous face, she stared curiously at me as if to say "Hey mom, I got this. Why did you just try to kill me?"

fail and fail.

Utterly humiliating. I then tried turning in my notice on this whole mommyhood gig since clearly it's just not working out, but no one was around to accept my resignation. Puzzling.

To punish me...
After her shots, Addison screamed in anger (she NEVER cries at shots and such) and then signed "chocolate" and "daddy" while glaring at the nurse who was still holding the needle. I'm pretty sure she then signed something along the lines of "Please take me away from this crazy lady" and then of course "chocolate" again. Because Addison bookends everything with the sign "chocolate" (smart, smart girl)

overall, I'd say it was a pretty successful trip...although we might need to find a back-up Pediatrician because I'm guessing we might now be on their "DO NOT ADMIT" list. and I might introduce myself as the nanny for future appointments just in case we're on that social worker's list already.

Like peanut butter on the fingers of a curious toddler, this post is begging to be shared.


Patti said...

you poor thing. I'm sure he's seen worse, and if nothing else you gave him something to tell the wife and kids around the dinner table at home tonight.
BAHAHA. I'm such a friend!
Lily is a month older than Addison and just barely over 17 pounds. I guess she's not on the chart :( :(

P.S. What is the sign for chocolate??

Heidi Ehle said...

Liddy STILL isn't on the chart 1st off.
Second, several months ago, I actually DID drop Liddy. Somehow between me standing up with her in the midst of a mini freak out session and her bucking against me, she flipped right out of my arms. I barely had time to register that I wasn't holding her any more and make a quick grab for her before she hit the floor with a huge resounding THUMP. She looked up at me like I was Satan, then started screaming. My husband came running from where ever in the house he was at the time thinking that I had just fallen. I calmed her down and then I cried for a solid 30 minutes. I've been a mom 3 freakin times and I have NEVER dropped one of my babies. That's like rule number one of HAVING a baby. awful. mother of the year material.
for over a week, any time a thump occurred in our house, my husband would come running again...obviously thinking that I dropped her. Nice to be trusted. lol
Don't feel too bad. It happens. There isn't a reason to resign. :)

Sarah said...

Ugh what a crappy visit. I have never heard about not feeding between meals, and its effect on teeth...I feel like almost every Dr. will tell you something different. And I say, "Go you" for being proactive with the choking! You had a Mommy instinct that something wasn't right and you moved into action. Some people would freeze in panic...
And seriously, what is the sign for chocolate? I think this mommy needs to learn that one!

mummalove said...

Well, apologies in advance for laughing at another's misfortunte, but thanks for giving me a good giggle this morning and hopefully it's an appointment you CAN laugh about in hindsight ;) I have absolutely no doubt that you are a wonderful mum and no one would be willing to accept your resignation. Hope your day improved after the appointment x

Ceara said...

What?! No eating between meals?! Psshhh. My kid would be starving all the time if we did that. If the kid is hungry, feed her. Just brush her teeth before bed like everyone else does and she'll be just fine. And I'm sure Addison appreciates you putting in that extra effort to save her life :) That's one way to look at it!

teresa said...

the bottom line - she's breathing! so, in my book it's a good day. you're a great momma.

ps and i join the others in asking "what is the sign for chocolate?" =)

Grandma Smith said...

OK, I raised 3 children, including your husband, and can't imagine toddlers (preschoolers, grade-schoolers, etc.) not snacking between meals. Especially w/ the thought that she's very small, I would think the doctor would want her to get every bit of nutrition you can get into her! If she were obese, he might have a leg to stand on. I'm sure he'd just read a dental journal and was trying it out on you.:)

None of us are perfect, but you're obviously doing a fine job as a mom. Hey.....what other 2 year old can sign chocolate and at least 6 adults want to know what that sign is?

Mouseymom said...

Sooooo hilarious!! thank you for sharing your misfortune with us!

April Vernon said...

Terrible days always make for amusing blog posts at least! Tomorrow is a new day!

gail said...

You are a rock star mom! I'll tell your pediatrician...

The Stanfields said...

Wow. Bless your heart. But at the end of the day - she's still breathing and (hopefully) sleeping. Peek at her now - a perfect little sleeping angel! Tomorrow's a new day... good luck with it!

ch said... addison's age pudge had broken her arm (on my watch...thanks to a drop off the bed onto a VACUUM) and jace had been treated TWICE for a blocked intestine due to household items he ate while under my supervision.

I think you're in the clear. But nobody could have told the story better. Still giggling...

Anna Theurer said...

Uck! What a terrible day. You gotta look at it as Addison is still alive, Carter is still alive, and you are still alive. That all spells SUCCESS! I am really not sure about your doctor saying no eating between meals. I never recommended that to any of my patients. To keep blood sugars and insulin production at a steady level, it is actually best to eat 5-6 small meals a day. Plus, what toddler doesn't have snacks? Anyway, that is just my opinion so I say go with your mama gut.

The Görnandts said...

Laughing with you. Ok, and at you. Well, not at you, but how you can tell it. You're so funny! My opinion: 1. No snacking between meals - um, what!? He has obviously not been a stay at home dad any day of his life. My children would fire me if they didn't get snacks. And actually, isn't eating lots of small "meals" throughout the day overall healthier than gorging for 3? Just sayin.
2. Cutting things up into small pieces is well and good and all, but if Chubbs is anything like she sounds like she would be putting, like 10 pieces in at once. So, um, yeah. Nice thought anyway.
3. OK, so you dropped your kid. It happens. Cracks me up that it had to happen at the doctor. Murphy's law. Someone sue Murphy.

Love your stories.

Jenny said...

Hahaha...this was hilarious! Chubbs sounds like a handful, I guess there is never a dull moment with her around :)

Lisa said...

At about the same age I "let" Cate fall off an exam table that was about waist high. She literally bounced and cried for about 10 seconds. The doctor had just walked in and looked at me with his mouth wide open then after a pointed glance at the sign about not leaving children unattended on the table (I was like a foot away getting her a snack)decided to ignore it, I guess since she was obviously fine - I was mortified.

thebauer4 said...

I haven't been reading your blog long but wanted to let you know it happens. The fact that you can admit it means you are "mom of the year." Those who can't admit their mistakes are the ones to worry about. I also love that Grandma weighed in with the chocolate comment, LOVE IT!!!!! Thanks for the laugh today, I needed it.


thebauer4 said...

I haven't been reading your blog long but wanted to let you know it happens. The fact that you can admit it means you are "mom of the year." Those who can't admit their mistakes are the ones to worry about. I also love that Grandma weighed in with the chocolate comment, LOVE IT!!!!! Thanks for the laugh today, I needed it.


Not a Perfect Mom said...

Brooke is now a proud member of the 3rd percentile club! Holla!
And your ped is a douchenozzle...who the hell doesn't give their kids snacks?
Find a new one, this one blows

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