Taking two babies alone to an appointment is a bad idea. It's simple math. TWO babies. ONE mommy.
Even chocolate chip granola bars, bottles of milky goodness and Signing Time books cannot fend off the bad that is surely to descend upon you due to your poor decision of marching out that front door with a chubby toddler on one hip and a baby spilling over the edges of an infant carrier on the other.
Feeding off of each other's naughty energy, the two children who cannot say more than a handful of words between them communicate masterfully enough to pull off the perfect "two against one" plan that will leave their mother blushing, holding an injured child, and hoping for short memories in the professionals staring and note taking.
Today, the battle plan in "take down mother" included a little girl throwing the contents of the diaper bag across the room with such vigor and refusal to answer to "STOP" and "NO" that baby must be placed gently in the stroller- temporarily unbuckled.
After all, he will only be there as long as it takes to sweep up a 21 pound little girl and zip up a diaper bag.
During that fifteen seconds, after a nodded cue from the toddler, the baby WILL vault his body OUT of the stroller in such a surely-practiced way that when the mother looks back over, he is sitting on the floor in front of the stroller, smiling with glee at his acrobatic ways.
While mother is kissing baby and checking for bumps and bruises (there were none), sister decides hunger is the only thing that she can think of, and the granola bar wrapper that she has just emptied is no longer acceptable to her or her apparently starving self.
Cue: Screaming Child #1
After a few minutes of wrapping up the appointment over sister's dramatic cries, baby who has taken a brief snooze against mommy must be readjusted to move out of the appointment room. Upon being awakened and moved away from his soft and lumpy pillow (hey!)....
Cue: Screaming Child #2
Upon hearing the screams of Child #2 Child #1 raises cry up two octaves to insure the most attention for her chocolate needs.
Child #2 then refuses to go back in the front pack carrier as he is busy SCREAMING and KICKING and straightening his body into an ANGRY rigor.
Child #1 takes the opportunity to crawl quickly across the waiting room, still SCREAMING and now chasing down the other children.
The other children cower in fear at the little girl with a mouth full of jagged teeth that is barreling towards them. The mother is unable to chase her due to the flailing man child strapped to her throat.
Cue: Mother putting bag over head and becoming invisible to gaping, judgmental eyes of many parents sitting with quiet, well behaved children.
Taking two babies to an appointment (that edges into naptime) is
a bit like corralling two wild horses into a compact car.
two wild pigs into a pen designed for one
1,000 bumbles BACK into their home after hitting it with a baseball bat
an elephant into a size 4 wedding dress.
Wait, what were we talking about?
TWO CHILDREN FOR SALE
must have magical powers, the ability to juggle, eyes on the back of your head, 24 hours of streaming signing time, and a lifetime supply of chocolate.
may the odds be ever in your favor.