Thursday, February 23, 2012

Another Episode of "Aren't You Glad You're Not Me"

Taking two babies alone to an appointment is a bad idea. It's simple math. TWO babies. ONE mommy.

Even chocolate chip granola bars, bottles of milky goodness and Signing Time books cannot fend off the bad that is surely to descend upon you due to your poor decision of marching out that front door with a chubby toddler on one hip and a baby spilling over the edges of an infant carrier on the other.

Feeding off of each other's naughty energy, the two children who cannot say more than a handful of words between them communicate masterfully enough to pull off the perfect "two against one" plan that will leave their mother blushing, holding an injured child, and hoping for short memories in the professionals staring and note taking.

Today, the battle plan in "take down mother" included a little girl throwing the contents of the diaper bag across the room with such vigor and refusal to answer to "STOP" and "NO" that baby must be placed gently in the stroller- temporarily unbuckled.

After all, he will only be there as long as it takes to sweep up a 21 pound little girl and zip up a diaper bag.

During that fifteen seconds, after a nodded cue from the toddler, the baby WILL vault his body OUT of the stroller in such a surely-practiced way that when the mother looks back over, he is sitting on the floor in front of the stroller, smiling with glee at his acrobatic ways.

While mother is kissing baby and checking for bumps and bruises (there were none), sister decides hunger is the only thing that she can think of, and the granola bar wrapper that she has just emptied is no longer acceptable to her or her apparently starving self.

Cue: Screaming Child #1

After a few minutes of wrapping up the appointment over sister's dramatic cries, baby who has taken a brief snooze against mommy must be readjusted to move out of the appointment room. Upon being awakened and moved away from his soft and lumpy pillow (hey!)....

Cue: Screaming Child #2

Upon hearing the screams of Child #2 Child #1 raises cry up two octaves to insure the most attention for her chocolate needs.


Child #2 then refuses to go back in the front pack carrier as he is busy SCREAMING and KICKING and straightening his body into an ANGRY rigor.


Child #1 takes the opportunity to crawl quickly across the waiting room, still SCREAMING and now chasing down the other children.


The other children cower in fear at the little girl with a mouth full of jagged teeth that is barreling towards them. The mother is unable to chase her due to the flailing man child strapped to her throat.


Cue: Mother putting bag over head and becoming invisible to gaping, judgmental eyes of many parents sitting with quiet, well behaved children.

Taking two babies to an appointment (that edges into naptime) is

a bit like corralling two wild horses into a compact car.
or
two wild pigs into a pen designed for one
or
1,000 bumbles BACK into their home after hitting it with a baseball bat
or
an elephant into a size 4 wedding dress.

Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh yeah:

TWO CHILDREN FOR SALE
must have magical powers, the ability to juggle, eyes on the back of your head, 24 hours of streaming signing time, and a lifetime supply of chocolate.

may the odds be ever in your favor.

23 comments:

  1. So sorry, mama!

    I always enjoy reading your posts!! You're doing great. Hopefully the other people waiting understood!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sorry for your experience today. You are not alone though, I have been in a similar situation and it is no fun!

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Does this mean you're reading The Hunger Games?" blog reader Heather asked excitedly.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Doctor's office with multiple children is always eventful! Love the way you describe it!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Rest assured those judgemental parents have probably experienced one of 'those' days and are just thanking their lucky stars their children have decided to tow the line that particular day. (And, if not, may those judgemental parents experience many of those days in the future!) I was just having a similar conversation with my mother-of-4 SIL yesterday. Being a parent to two small kids is VERY hard work. You're doing a great job. Hope the end of your day involved wine and chocolate to recover :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh, Deanna. I'm laughing, but it's with sympathy. Been there, done that, but with one. I can't imagine double the trouble.

    And honestly, all those judgmental parents either have their time coming (I certainly did in my more judgmental days!!) or actually are looking at you in complete sympathy. OH, man. Hang in there!! It's crazy with two. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is the best thing i have read lately! Not so fun for you but thank you for sharing it. I have 4 young ones and have had many similar experiences. Most days I am super but sometimes (yesterday!) i feel like I want to scream at people "Hey, i am doing the best i can!". Your honesty made me laugh out loud and refreshed my patience bank. THANKS!

    ReplyDelete
  8. what kind of mother doesn't strap her poor little baby into the seat...tsk tsk tsk
    I would never have done something like that...

    ReplyDelete
  9. I say...Time for one more!!! LOL...Come on, you know you can do it Deanna :)

    Also, this post makes me happy that Russell is my only monster at home during the day!! haha

    ReplyDelete
  10. Um are you a fellow Hunger Games fan? Because I just liked you more! :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Can you please create a sign-up sheet for us locals to help out for these fun escapades? I work right around the corner!! Just think of the screaming that could ensue when BOTH didn't get to be held by Mommy. Great blogging fodder, I'm sure. :) In all seriousness...sign.me.up!

    ReplyDelete
  12. They weren't judging you...they were thankful they weren't you and secretly wishing you chocolate and wine!

    ReplyDelete
  13. You have the best sense of humor. I would have been a puddle of self pity in this case, and you write a hilarious post about it. Way to be! Love it (the post, not the crazy Dr. appt....you are superwoman!).

    ReplyDelete
  14. judgement, smugment.... I would be judging all those mothers for just sitting there judging and not offering a hand, or at least a sympathetic "we've all been there" because no ones kids are angels all the time. Every one of those well behaved kids has once made their mothers want to crawl into a cave. Bravo for being a mom, taking care of your own kids and running errands with them.

    ReplyDelete
  15. So sorry this was your day.

    BUT you did get my day off to an awesome start.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Wow...there's nothing I can say that hasn't been said by previous comments. Although I will admit you have scared this about-to-be-mommy-of-two. In just 5 weeks this will be my life. Here's hoping my Child #1 who is 4 will not come up with crazier schemes! But since I will then have 2 boys...I'm sure it will be slightly insane at my house too!

    Sorry you had a rough day, but you make it sound so funny!

    ReplyDelete
  17. You just gave me a flashback from my drs. appointments with a baby and 2 yr. old. Shudder. And my 2 yr. old was walking, so all I had to do was keep a firm grasp on his hair to keep him from running away. (That was a joke). But seriously, you have to carry them both. Wow. Are you just drenched with sweat when the ordeal is over? It made me laugh, but TOTALLY with empathy. BTW, because of you I read the Hunger Games Trilogy, and, well. Wow. I LOVED IT! So thanks for that amazing tip.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I always secretly hope that we will run into you someday while we are out running errands in your direction.;)Yesterday as I waited for my hubby and young son to come out of the pediatric dentists I wondered if you will use the same one.....I will keep my eyes open in case I ever do see you and you need an extra hand.:)That is one of the major advantages I have now.We have lots more willing hands.I have two teenagers now....We would all be willing to help.:)

    ReplyDelete
  19. I am so glad to see I am not the only one that goes threw this. I am so glad I was told about this blog , see I too have an almost 2 year old daughter with DS and a 6 month old daughter. Love ur blog ,I can relate to so many of the things u have blogged about.

    Sandra

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm one of your newest followers and i LOVE your blog and your darling baby girl. I hope you can stop by my blog sometime. I also just did a post about your book and how much I love it.

    http://kirbynell.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  21. I love your posts. They always make me laugh. When my first two (17 months apart) were little, I went for my 6 week check up at the doctor's office. Two babies in a side by side double stroller...one 6 weeks, one 18 months. I lay down on the table to get my stitches checked, which makes the 18 month old mad, so she smacks her little brother. Repeatedly. I hop down, try to comfort him, grab her (because now she's out of her 5 point harness), and try to keep that paper sheet around me. The doctor excuses himself, I get dressed. Buckle her back in her stroller seat, twisting the straps to make it nearly impossible for her to get loose. Head towards the checkout. Both babies are SCREAMING. The doctor has given me a large sample box of birth control which is balancing on the top of the stroller. A woman visiting the office says "You sure do make a sight with your two screaming babies and your big box of birth control." I shot her a horribly dirty look that day, but looking back at it now, I'm sure I did look pretty hilarious. I'm so glad you blog these things...you'll love reading them later in life!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for reading about my Everything and Nothing. I would love to hear from you!