Tuesday, February 21, 2012

All the Things That I Don't Say

Do you get tired of random strangers in the store asking you super personal questions? I always think of a snarky reply that I DON'T say...but I'm getting rather tired of holding them all in. So rather than explode on some poor unsuspecting stranger on our next outing, I figured this was a healthier way to unleash the inner snarky.

you are welcome.

Dear Deanna,

What advice do you have for a new stay-at-home-mom?
Buy comfy pajamas- wear all day. Stock up on bon-bons and prepare for a life of leisure.

How do you go grocery shopping with two kids?
Very carefully. Oftentimes I'll try to convince one of the other shoppers that my kids are part of the weekly sale flyer.

Has that ever worked?
Once. The cuteness of Chubbs sucked the poor customer in. Unfortunately, she was returned back to me after eating uninvited the entire Costco bag of m&ms out of her new mommy's cart.

What is your cleaning strategy?
The Pediatrician told me that a little dirt can help enhance my children's immune systems. I take his advice very seriously.

What is the best part of the day?
The moment the coffee saturation in my system is complete

What is your favorite thing about motherhood?
Being constantly vomited on. Seriously that stuff is like liquid gold for your skin. I've never had such a great complexion. It's like getting a free facial every hour.

Are your kids twins?
Yes, but the second one just had to gestate for an extra nineteen months. That was the pregnancy that would never end.

Do you have plans for potty training your two year old?
Yes, she's in charge of changing her brother's diapers.

How does that help?
Never underestimate the power of empathy

How much coffee is too much coffee?
I don't understand this question.

If you were to give advice to a brand new mom, what would it be?
Hire a nanny, housekeeper and cook.

 How do you keep up with all the laundry?
That's why I had children.

Your children fold your laundry? Aren't they a little young for that?
No, that just explains why my laundry room has presently disappeared under giant piles of clothes. They're still getting to it.

How did you lose all of your baby weight?
A carefully regimented diet of surgery and spanx. (and man was it difficult to swallow that scalpel)

How many hours a day do you spend writing your book/blogging/facebooking/pinteresting/tweeting?
The number of profitable hours in a day minus my favorite TV shows plus that time I say I'll never get back but do, minus the hours each day I spend primping, plus the hours that my children do it for me.

You let your children on facebook?
Oh goodness no. Pinterest. They needed ideas for Mother's Day gifts.

Have you ever done anything as a mother that you now regret?
Well, I'm about to.

Could you explain?
I have plans to tell my daughter that the cookie monster killed the signing time lady so we shouldn't watch any more signing time out of respect (and shouldn't eat any more cookies so as not to encourage an evil murderer) I'm sure I'll regret no longer being able to eat cookies in front of her.

Do you have plans to have more children soon?
Could you explain to me how this works exactly?

How do you get your toddler to eat healthy?
I carefully plot out the food pyramid, spend hours sorting through nutrition books and planning exactly what she should have...and then I coat it all in chocolate.

What do you typically pay for an outfit for your children?
that ranges anywhere from free to sacrificing-marital-happiness budget breaking

I couldn't help but notice that you have brown eyes while both of your children have incredible blue ones?
I ate a gallon of blueberries every day while I was pregnant. What can I say...I found a good sale.

Why do you take so many pictures of your children?
I named my camera "The North Pole" and told them that's where Santa lives, so they're usually on their best behavior when it starts flashing in their faces.

Is there anything else you should be doing right now instead of writing this?
Well, the house is vibrating from the indignant cries coming from both the pink and the blue nursery, but I just figured that they realized that Daddy went skiing without them today. Guess I should go comfort them from his obvious neglect.

Why are you still here?
You're going to report me, aren't you.

Probably.
cool. Can you just make sure you spell my name with two "n"s..I do hate when people get my name wrong.

Got it. Making a note on the social workers chart now. Deanna with two "n"s
awesome...until later...

*Note: no children were hurt (or even left to cry) in the making of this blog post. read...sarcastic humor

15 comments:

  1. Almost crying I'm laughing so hard!!! My favorite is that you study the nutrition pyramid and then you coat everything in chocolate. And that you have your kids on Pinterest for Mother's day ideas...seriously hilarious!!!!

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  2. I needed to read this today! This post makes me wish you and I would have gotten the chance to know each other better while we were at Fourth. It is a good dose of reality as I am continually consumed by unrealistic expectations,(or so say my friends and husband)and the obsessive need to "do more." Thanks for your transparency and humor!
    Nicole Tolosa

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  3. cracked me up at usual Deana (that was on purpose, just so you know) LOL!!!

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  4. oh that was hilarious. you have a gift :) I especially like the laundry one and the one about having more kids. so funny!

    seriously - signing time?? THE MOST ANNOYING SONG EVER. Don't know how you do it.

    Keep it up!

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  5. I like how Addison is in charge of her brother's diapers. Hahahaha! This was hilarious!

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  6. Seriously you crack me up!! This by far the funniest thing I've read in a long time!!! Thank you! :)

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  7. Ha! I had a similar list when I was pregnant with my daughter. "Are you still here?" "No. I am a figment of your imagination."

    Actually, there was no such thing as the internet back then and I did say these things out loud.....

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  8. Tears are rolling down my cheeks from laughing so hard! That was hysterical! I loved the advice for new SAHM and your cleaning strategy but I thought I might actually wet my pants with what you typically pay for an outfit! Perfect! Thank you so much!

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  9. Thank you very much! My fave might be dipping everything in chocolate or your camera named "north pole". We told our children that our motion sensor was Santa's camera. It works for now :-)

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  10. I just found your blog and SO HAPPY I DID! Your sense of humor is right up my alley. Your children are ADORABLE!

    Thank you!
    P.S. I totally study the food pyramid too. Instead of chocolate, I use marshmallow Fluff. :)

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  11. Hahahahaha. Loved it. You can always make me laugh. Favorites were food pyramid and new SAHM advice. Very very funny. But you used to always make me laugh on team too. I envied your ability to always come up with the perfect, snarky comeback. :) You are my hero.

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  12. This is CRACKING me up.
    Now. Where are our pictures? And I want some chocolate. Lots of it, please. Please tell my husband that it's healthy. And that dirt is good for the immune system. I'll call you an expert.
    - Molly

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  13. ohhh my gosh. so hilarious!!! loved them all. my favorite is the the vomit being liquid gold for skin. HA!!

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  14. ok. Now I need to go potty {forgot the appropriate adult word for that} since I've laughed so hard!

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  15. LOL Laughing SOO hard!!! My favorite is Cookie Monster ate the Signing Time lady!!! Soo using that!

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Thanks for reading about my Everything and Nothing. I would love to hear from you!