I feel the kicks. I cherish the squirms. I felt the pain of him flipping from breech to head down.
There is a tiny person growing inside of me.
Because of my somewhat unique pregnancy history, I have to confess that more than once I have wondered
"Will this baby have Down syndrome too?"
Towards the beginning of the pregnancy, this thought terrified me. Not because I was afraid of Down syndrome, but because I wanted Addison to have a "normal" sibling. I wanted to know what being the parent to an average child would be like as well. Because of all the extra health needs that I've had to deal with Addison, I felt like I deserved a lower maintenance child this time around.
Normal health. Normal intelligence. Normal number of chromosomes.
As this pregnancy has progressed, and I've spent a significant time on my book and contemplating what truly defines the "perfect baby", my perspective has changed.
As I have felt him moving, living and growing inside of me as he prepares for life on the outside, I stopped wondering if his eyes would have the oh so familiar almond slant. The fear that Addison wouldn't have an advocate in this sibling has decreased.
Because I know that he is perfect. Just the way he was created and miraculously placed into my life.
We didn't have testing done on this baby. Everything looked totally healthy at 20 weeks, but that really doesn't mean anything when it comes to testing for a genetic disorder like Down syndrome. I wanted to not worry and fret this pregnancy. I wanted to enjoy the thought of my baby growing and flourishing inside of me without fears whispered into my ear by overly concerned doctors.
The miracle of producing another life- of growing a baby- I wanted to enjoy every moment, thinking of the new life that I was being blessed with...I barely remember Addison's pregnancy. I only remember tears, heartache, fear that my life was over. ruined.
And honestly? I have enjoyed this pregnancy. Yes, my hip issue has been very painful, and this has been a very hot summer and I complain about having to carry around Addison around in the heat with my swollen body.
But I wouldn't change a thing. Because while I carry around my one perfect child who delights me more and more every day watching her grow and develop from baby into an amazing little girl...I also get to grow a little brother for her- who might have some of the same struggles...or who might not.
But what does it matter? He's my second perfect baby.
There's something so mysterious about being pregnant. You can see blurry pictures on a screen where the doctor attempts to get a glimpse into what's going on inside the baby cocoon. But you don't know anything about the person inside. Cheerful baby or cranky? Is he a sleeper? Will he love Addison immediately or take a while to not loathe her constant murderous attempts? Healthy or is there something that the doctors have missed? Why doesn't that picture show how many chromosomes he has?
So many questions.
And yet that perfect gift that was given to me to take care of and grow these past months was designed JUST for me no matter what the answers to those questions are. And that's exciting.
While the unwrapping of said gift is a mite painful...I am looking forward to getting to meet this little guy and watch our family grow by one...such an amazing experience. (don't worry, I will try to keep the gory birth details to a minimum...)
Meeting that baby for the first time is like a surprise birthday party combined with Christmas (except replace the awesome food with a throbbing IV line and try not to think about the cute party outfit being replaced by that embarrassingly revealing hospital gown) But the overall emotion is the same. Anticipation. Excitement. Joy. Over-the-top-I-can't-believe-I'm-so-blessed happiness.
Seeing his face for the first time. Kissing his slightly reddened forehead for the first time. Will he have Aaron's awesome head of curls? Will he have my humongous feet (unlike little miss Addison who still wears an infant size 2) Will he be 10 pounds or 7? (please oh please just somewhere in between) Will he be a cuddler? Will he do the breast feeding thing? (unlike Miss G-Tube)
Soooo many questions that I am thrilled to soon be learning the answer to.
The only question that remains to be asked?
When's this party starting?
(I'm due Sept 8th...any guesses as to when this guy will actually be born...and how big he will be? If a bunch of you say over ten pounds we might not be friends anymore...just warning you)
And this has absolutely nothing to do with having a baby, but check out what I saw out my front door the other day:
If a rainbow signifies a promise, then I felt like the promise being given to me was that....
I would have a baby soon...(-: