Monday, August 8, 2011

birthday pouting/musings

Today I turned another year older.

At first, I approached this annual milestone with dread and loathing. Not only am I making the slow upward climb towards 30 entirely too fast, but I am currently fat, lack my usual  motivational drive, and definitely feel off my game physically. Effectively convincing myself that by the time that I actually am 30 I probably will be functioning more like the 80 year old that I presently feel like, I was depressed.

My attitude towards my birthday could be compared a lot to Addison's after she is REALLY tired of being told that she MUST keep those bulky plastic things ON her face:
And honestly? I was struggling because the ONE gift that I had asked for MONTHS ago, I knew that we just couldn't get right now.

With our anniversary being days before my birthday, AND Aaron owing me another push present (yes, that is a real thing), I very thoughtfully said that he could combine all three into one gift.

A bigger, stylish (I would say trendy, but I entirely overused that word in the last posts) vehicle in which to haul around my two children. My tiny, very old Honda Civic which was my very first car has almost 180,000 miles on it and is dinged in more than one place (I might have in the past had a tiny problem with backing up). I have to bend over double to get Addison in her carseat as I am too tall for the short car, and there just isn't enough room for the additional child/stuff/stroller etc.

My dream is for a small SUV that gets decent gas mileage and looks the part of a suitable momobile (but not a minivan)

Anyhoo, I suggested this months ago, and Aaron took it under consideration. Long story short, with me making the transition to staying at home, and him being self employed, we just decided that a purchase of that nature isn't the smartest plan for us financially right now. Hopefully within the next six months, we can start to shop around. But just not right now.

And I was bummed. 

I felt poor and deprived of something that I rightfully deserved. Between that and reaching the ripe old age of 27...and being dreadfully fat (I realize it's for a good cause, but sometimes it can still be depressing) I approached my birthday this year as mad as a hugely pregnant woman pitching a hissy fit slighted of everything good that life has to offer can be.

Yes, the word "spoiled" and "brat" could also be applied.
I didn't have any dramatic plans for today. My plan was to do nothing but hang out with Addison and force myself to rest, relax and just enjoy the day- trying not to think of the present that I wasn't getting. 

Addison and I began the day with pancakes liberally covered in Vermont maple syrup, topped with luscious whipped cream and sliced fresh strawberries. Addison decided that she liked this very much. Her chubby hands two fisted the pancakes into her mouth as quickly as possible (flinging more strawberries on the ground than I would have liked, but when it comes to Addison feeding herself, I take what I can get) 

(couldn't help but think of the doctor who put in her g-tube telling us that hopefully in a couple of years she would eventually be able to eat just a little bit of real food....guess she showed him)

While she napped, I watched a movie during the middle of the day and refused to feel guilty. (OK, yes, I still felt guilty...but enjoyed the movie and putting my feet up nonetheless)

After naptime, I took her to a nearby kids wading pool. Little miss chubbs was in water park heaven. She smiled, splashed, laughed at the other children, crawled into the deeper end and then got confused when the water attempted to pull her down. She cackled at the mushroom waterfall and cruised along the edge of the pool socializing with a one year old who was cruising right alongside her.

I beamed to see her so blissfully happy. She was glowing with the look of a child who had everything her heart desired. As she looked at me and held her arms up from the pool, at long last ready to go home, she flashed a special smile reserved just for me that suggested that no other baby had it better.

Aaron got off work early (I know, WHAT???) and took us to Moe's for dinner. I had been craving a basket full of nachoes, covered liberally in queso sauce piled high with many veggies and ground beef. Addison got her very own cheese quesadilla, drink and cookie.

She sat up like the big girl that she is, ate most of the quesadilla, threw small bits on the floor and craned her neck to see where the pieces landed. Using her teeth to actually CHEW and fed herself, enjoying every bite with relish, she looked so happy and content, looking back and forth lovingly between her two parents. When the cookie obediently followed the meal, she crammed it into her mouth as any 18 month old would.

She was vibrant. She was alive. She was with us.

How many times had we gone to this same Moes while she was in NICU without her. Longing for the day that we could just take our baby home..hoping and praying that she would live?

After she was finally finished eating and was no longer reaching for her lemonade, Aaron cleaned her up and cuddled with her for a few minutes while I sat and watched. Father and daughter. Their heads close together whispering and no doubt plotting mischief.

My eyes filled with tears and my heart swelled with pride. and joy. and thankfulness.

This year has been overflowing with so many blessings that I don't deserve, the two biggest ones sitting across from me at Moes- one of them flinging her glasses into the air and the other one patiently catching and replacing them.

Who cares about a stupid car that I can't get RIGHT now?  While I wasted all of that time pouting about my car, feeling poor and deprived, I forgot about the biggest gift that I have been able to enjoy all year.

Addison is healthy. happy. just like any NORMAL baby her age rockin' the diaper off life (yes, she literally just did that).

and she is mine. Far more than I deserve. How did I get so lucky to get such an amazing daughter?

Humbled, I stopped whining about my car and stared with longing pride at my little girl. Earlier in the day, during some blog wanderings, I came across this music video. (warning, don't watch unless you're prepared to cry)

It really put things back in perspective for me. It's so easy to forget the truly great things that I've already been given because I waste  time bemoaning the fact that I don't have the lastest possession on my "to acquire" list. 

This day was full of innocently small moments that blossomed into gigantic baseball bats, powerfully flinging themselves at my head, bringing about the realization of how blind I was being about my life.
Someday I'll get my car, but for right now? I get to be mom to the amazing Chubbs McPhee, AND deliver a brand new life within the next few weeks. Seriously, what more could I ask for?

So excited to be wrapping up this year, my 26th year of life, and looking forward to what 27 holds.

a new baby...more Chubbs goodness... and even if that is it?

I am truly rich far beyond what I deserve.

10 comments:

  1. Thank you for such beautiful word pictures to end my day.

    A very happy birthday to you, dear one!

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  2. Happy Happy Birthday! Thanks for sharing so much of yourself, your joys and struggles...

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  3. I heard that song in the car one day...and cried and cried and cried. It seemed to encompass every single emotion that I felt from the moment we found out about Liddy's heart defect and first heard the words "Down's Syndrome" in reference to our beautiful daughter.
    And while you indeed may be another year older, I find that it's all about perspective. I for one relish every single birthday that I have, no matter how old I am (and it's slightly older than 27 lol), treat each one like it is every bit as special as it was when I was a kid, and thank God that I have made it through another year. Still here on Earth, still breathing, healthy, happy and whole. :) Nothing is a given, even tomorrow.
    We are all blessed beyond what we deserve. That's the beauty of God's amazing grace!
    Love to you, Chubbs and baby brother. Happy birthday!

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  4. I love Chubbs trying to help you by consulting the manual in the last shot....she is so considerate

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  5. Happy birthday. I love that last picture of her reading- so sweet. It's funny how things seem so far from perfect until you really look at them. That said, I hope you get your car soon, too. :)

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  6. What lovely thoughts, Deanna. I love your perspective and attitude. I think God must be pleased when He reads your words.

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  7. Lovely post! I am absolutely smitten with Chubbs in her glasses!

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  8. Happy Birthday!!
    And chubbs looks really cute with these pink glasses on :)

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  9. Happy, Happy Birthday!! I love Chubbs glasses!

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  10. What a wonderful post! I am so glad I found your blog via Holly's House! We sometimes forget what is right in front of us-and you proved that you found it!

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