Sunday, July 31, 2011

It's not over until...the fat cow plays the violin...

Have you ever seen an obesely large cow disguised in all black decorated with loud red jewelry playing the violin?

If not, you should have been at our church this morning.

As I am in the thick of “that stage” of pregnancy where body normalcy is a thing completely of the past and you hide in large corners hoping that no one will notice how big you have gotten and make critical comments about “other” pregnant women while staring at your swollen stomach no doubt wondering exactly how many Klondike bars a day you have been consuming…

I was a bit horrified to realize that I had to play a special at church this morning.

Me. Alone. Standing in front of the entire church so that everyone could have front row seats to gawk at that fat, puffy pregnant lady who normally hides behind the sweet looking little girl….

And then my eyes went on contact strike, requiring glasses (which really isn’t a favorite) and due to running running running around in the heat…yesterday I noticed that my face was starting to swell up, and my fingers were starting to represent little sausages that put in the right context might mistakenly be put in a bun and covered in ketchup.

Shouldering a bit of a rotten attitude, I donned a black dress (it’s slimming, yes?) and my loudest red jewelry with matching red shoes, hoping for perhaps a distraction from my swollen, bloated, glasses wearing self.

Asking my husband “Do I look fat?”, I carefully studied his face as he without hesitation replied “No, of course not” He had never lied to me before, so it was important that I understand exactly what deception looked like on his face for future reference.

I waddled up to the stage holding my violin, desperately wishing that I had chosen a larger instrument to play that would conceal most of my body, leaving only tiny beady brown eyes encased in my scratched glasses for the ogling crowd. Cello, Tuba…or perhaps a bass drum solo.

I raised my violin to play, seeking to find a spot to rest it under the new fleshly rolls that my neck sprouted within minutes and turned toward the eyes eager to qualify exactly how portly I had become.

My stomach obscured the choir loft, my legs swelled to twice their already swollen size just standing there in my hot red shoes, my sausage fingers struggled to move because of their enormous size, my glasses slipped down my nose due to the growing amount of perspiration and then my nose began to drip. Drip. Drip.

I began my song selection, years of playing and practicing allowing me to forget everything but the moment of making music- connecting with an instrument and making it sing, barely distracted with necessary sniffling to keep the nose drips in check.

I played my no doubt swollen heart out while my large stomach was displayed for all to see, and somehow ignored the stage that was groaning under all of my extra weight.

Thinking about the little baby that I was growing inside of me that was causing my body to be so heinously misshapen, I connected my bow to the strings with hopes that perhaps someday he will learn to love music as much as I do.

My imagination filled with images of my two children someday playing duets in church- standing proudly together as their inexperienced little fingers sought to learn the same instrument that years of mastery now came so easily to me.

Music and love blended together to create a violin solo satisfactory to even my own critical ears.

Finishing my selection, I limped my way off of the stage, experiencing severe lower back pain and praying that I didn’t go into labor while everyone was still staring.

But for those blessed few moments, I forgot. Because that’s just what music does.

Side Note:                                                                                                          
I noticed that my name is on the schedule for August 28th, a week before I’m due. I accused the scheduler of hating me, and gracefully declined. I’m just not sure this fat puffy cow could take a second appearance.

Oh, and to magnify my humiliation? Addison broke my snazzy red necklace after the service while I was talking to friends….as beautiful red beads scattered across the auditorium recklessly flung by her small hand, I fear that perhaps she hates me as well…


  1. Dad commented that he hoped your water didn't break during the last verse!

    You may have felt huge, but you didn't look it at all.....and it was beautiful!

  2. DJ you're ALWAYS inspiring when you pick up an instrument. I'm sure nobody noticed how fat you were. JK :) I love you sis - and you're adorable just how you are! Black was a good choice tho :)

  3. Said scheduler has apologized and duly noted your request to be taken off the list until further notice. :)

  4. I don't believe a word of look far too cute in your header...
    I'll need to see a current picture

  5. How many instruments do you play? I thought just clarinet...

  6. Humm funny thing I recall thinking specifically how gracefully your wrist moved as you pulled the bow on the strings and how cool it was that your fingers played two parts at the same time. I'm not musically trained so I'm not sure if that's technically correct, but that's what I heard.. Missed the cow entirely. ;)

  7. Every single pregnant woman in the history of the world thinks that she is fat and disgusting, and the opposite seems to be true in most cases. I'm sure that you are as beautiful as ever, mama.
    And obviously VERY talented as well!
    xoxoxoxo, Heidi

  8. Amy- I play violin, piano, clarinet and saxophone well...all the other instruments I can play, but am not as advanced. (-:

    Holly- I will consider putting up a new pic. I tried to take one and had a hard time zooming out that far

    Aunt Jina- no hard feelings. My temper tantrum was over as soon as I hit publish on the post. (-:

    DJSL- yes, the second verse was double stops...good ear...

  9. This was so well written!! I've never commented on your blog before, but this one had me cracking up!!

  10. i agree with holly that your cute header picture shows us just how pretty this mama-to-be is.

    and your worship solo was lifted up to the true audience, the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords!

  11. I wish I could have been there to hear you! I bet your church loves you! Our music minister keeps trying to rope me into the viola, and I keep telling him I'm no good and he should really let me stick to the piano and singing like I'm trained for :) And I bet you that you are beautiful even if you don't feel it because you are all swollen.

  12. Deanna: Wow! What a talent the Lord has given you in the area of music. Your children will benefit so much from your expertise. Would love to hear more about when you began your instruments and your favorite pieces to play, etc. Did you learn violin by Suzuki or traditional? I can't carry a tune in a bucket but have a daughter who plays both violin and piano and am amazed by the ear she has; and the difference between her and her siblings musically:) Thanks for sharing...

  13. Well, the truth is- I can take very little credit for my musical expertise. Both of my parents are music teachers, so it just sort of happened from day one, and I didn't know where to stop as far as learning new instruments. (-: Yes, I learned Suzuki method for violin and am a big fan. I don't get as much chance to play these days, but am hoping life evens out to put me back in music again someday. (-:

  14. oh, and they started me on piano at 5, violin at 8, clarinet at 10 and saxophone at 14. I was given very little choice in the matter...but am so thankful now. (-:

  15. Thanks for answering my questions...I'm so curious about how people raise musical children. Were all of your siblings required to learn instruments? (my last ?, I think :) We like Suzuki also, although my daughter now reads so well that she doesn't want to memorize! Does Addison enjoy music?

  16. LOL - I loved your descriptions here! And too funny that you've now stored away the look of deception from your husband for future reference. :-) Sorry 'bout your necklace, though.

  17. Love this post--especially about the deception in your husband's face! LOL! Just stopping by. Following you from Mom Blog Monday Hop. Would love a visit and a follow back on my blog: We are having a fantastic iPad 2 giveaway and a Kindle 3G giveaway so I hope you will enter if you haven’t already! Thanks! Nice to meet you.

  18. I laughed until I cried on this one! Oh, and thanks for the kind words about your parents....

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  20. Ummm... excuse me. First of all, you look FANTASTIC for being ready to pop any day! I was twice (or 3x)your size when I was like only 7 months!! Second of all, everyone loves seeing a pregnant belly. Don't try to hide it! Third of all, your solo was great. I love the violin!!


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