Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Chubbs fell out of the Crib

Addison flipped out of her crib this morning.

Onto her head.

The sound of her tiny body thumping against the wood floor in the sickening finality of an unplanned landing is a sound that this Momma will never forget.

Her screams of terror that followed shortly after painfully hit my heart that was already twisting dangerously.

I ran to get to her- to lovingly scoop her battered body off of the floor and comfort her chubby self with kisses full of soothing balm.

My baby was hurt.

I needed the comfort just about as much as she did.

And no, this did not happen because her mattress wasn't low enough...or that we forgot to put up the extra side rail.

We did everything we could to protect our little girl, but for some reason the side rail malfunctioned.

She stood up to it as she always does, and it gave way- effectively pitching her innocent little body onto the floor.

Landing on her head.

I can't help but remember when I was 20 weeks pregnant with Addison.

I was told by a very grave doctor that something was wrong with my baby- she would never lead a normal life- she would never be the beautiful baby that I was envisioning- she would never be the child that two young parents asked for.

I spent long weeks hating the thing that I was forced to grow in my uterus. I didn't ask for it. I didn't want it.

I didn't want to be the mother of a retarded baby.

I prayed to a God full of mercy that he would take my baby. Allow this to end peacefully so that we could cry tears of anguish for the baby that we had lost and then  move on in hopes to conceive a normal child.

In my opinion it wasn't fair that I was the 25 yr old who had made all of the right choices and yet still was being punished with a defective baby.

It wasn't fair.

To me at that time, almost two years ago, the death of my child would have been a welcome release from the sure hell that my life would become to have a child with Down syndrome.

But today when I heard her sweet little head land in such an ungracious manner on the cruelly hard floor and her cries for help that broke my heart, I knew that to lose her would be to lose the most precious thing in my life.

My little Chubbs...

...the most perfect little baby I could have ever asked for and who has brought more happiness, joy and laughter to our lives than we ever could have dreamed back when we decided to give the whole parenting thing a try.

It's amazing how God knew what was best for our family. How he knew the exact path that would bring us the most joy and peace.

And I fought against it because I thought I knew better.

How wrong I was.

so very, very wrong.

Today as I hold my baby extra close (checking frequently for signs for a concussion), my heart is overflowing with thankfulness.

For Addison's extra thick skull, for the floor that apparently softened just as she fell on it, and most importantly,

for a God who gives us truly only the best.

Trying to edit my book, putting together a nursery that is nowhere near to even being started, being hit with too many Braxton Hicks contractions for my peace of mind-

I needed the reminder today that I'm not in control, (although I really wish I had just read it on somebody's fb status instead of having my baby put in harm's way)

My little miracle baby just notched another survival onto her list of close calls.

Sometimes it's truly eye opening to look back and realize how much my mindset has changed

and how my baby is growing into a toddler.

and how I could not possibly be more proud of my baby even though she isn't talking, walking, singing and dancing.

She is.

And that's enough for me.

15 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry that happened to Addison and YOU this morning! Sutter has now fallen off the bed twice and as of the other night he got himself out of the tub (yes, I was in the bathroom with him...he's just fast!)...each time it is a heart wrenching feeling that always leaves me feeling like the worst mom ever!

    Lots of extra kisses and cuddles today! Thank goodness for hard baby heads!

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  2. I just burst into tears reading this. You just described what happened to me last week when Russell was choking. Because I too, in that first day of finding out about the Ds thought Russell would be better off if he wasn't here, if he passed away in his sleep...These are horrible thoughts to have had and it is hard to admit to them out loud, I feel deep shame at having thought that, it was the fear of not knowing exactly what Ds was and what his life would be like, of course now I know better....But as Russell was choking all I could think was I cannot live without this boy, please, please be ok...Its funny how time freezes in a moment of panic...I had time to realize how empty and sad a life without Russell would be. Hearing you describe the same sort of situation really hit home for me. Thank you for sharing this. I am so glad Addison is ok...Give her a big hug from Russell and I :)

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  3. phew! I'm so glad she's okay, and happy you didn't go into pre term labor from your BP shooting up...
    No worries...she's okay, every baby falls at some point...
    now go out and get that girl a new crib...

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  4. Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear about your accident this morning and I am happy to hear that Chubs is doing ok. What a scare! Glad that everything is better!!!

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  5. Sorry that happened, but what a beautiful post!

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  6. Oh - poor baby! You know, all drop-side cribs have been recalled and you should be able to get a replacement fixed side crib (or a kit to fix the drop side of your crib) from the manufacturer. It's even illegal to sell used drop-side cribs in yard sales. I would know... we have one sitting in our basement that's going to morph into a bench, towel rack or something else useful someday soon.

    I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but out little ones with DS are extra bendy (well, you probably already knew *that*) and at age 3 our little girl started slinging her heel over the side of her crib and climbing/falling out on a semi-regular basis. So many kids end up falling no matter what precautions we take! We ended up having to put her in a toddler bed way before we were ready for her to be in one. Everything worked out well, though.

    Give her pretty little head tons of kisses for me!
    Hugs!

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  7. Awww, poor little Chubbs!!! Hope your both doing okay! I guess I will have to look into a new crib, I have the drop down side too, didn't know they recalled them....

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  8. I felt the same. In a way I imagined Calvin dying from his heart troubles and the way it would erase the whole thing and put us back to normal.

    Boy am I glad God does not let our hearts dictate our fate.

    I am also so happy with your love for Addison and that you share it with us.

    I am excited for you and your family. It will be so neat watching Chubbs and Baby develop a relationship.

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  9. Oh no. Poor sweetie and poor mommy.
    I feel the sameway sometimes when I'm overcome with emotions and compare them to Eslea's birth story. It's amazing what HE can do in our hearts!
    Hope she is doing okay!!-erin

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  10. Great big hugs to you tonight!! After Claire's tumble down the stairs last month I completely understand how you heart just lurches when our littles are hurt or scared.

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  11. Oh, goodness, we all have those sounds that are etched into our memories forever, and they hurt every. single. time. we recall them. I'm so glad she's okay, but so sorry that happened! Sweet little girl...

    Thanks for your honest reflections.

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  12. Gosh, you've got me crying!

    Millie had an incident tonight where she hit her head in the tub, and I couldn't hug her close enough. It's crazy how time stops until you know they're okay.

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  13. Beautiful, beautiful and honest post. So glad she came through the fall OK. Thank you for posting about your feelings. That kind of honesty is so important.

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  14. i love this post...i knew exactly how you felt and what you were describing! camden b-lines it to the stairs on a regular basis, and inevitably eats it on our hardwood floors (he is just so dang fast these days) and every time i hear that little bellow i am reminded of my own wishes when he was born, and how thankful i am that they weren't granted, because like you said, God knows us so much better than we will ever know ourselves.

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  15. Wow! Just discovered your blog and I am amazed at your vision!

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