Tuesday, June 7, 2011

the toy in which evil resides

Dear VTech Toy Corporation,

I am writing today to issue a small complaint regarding one of your toys that is currently in my daughter's possession:

This toy has actually been greatly enjoyed by her, starting at Christmas time as it was a gift from her grandparents. She has used and abused it, as any curious toddler would. Taking gleeful delight in the noises and songs- especially the ones in Spanish, she would spend hours listening, watching, hitting in supreme joy.
It made her oh so happy.
However, it is with much sadness that I report that now the batteries have followed the natural demise of over used batteries, and the songs no longer play-the Spanish no longer is rattled off- and the lights cease to flash in patterns. Therefore, my daughter has lost interest in said toy.
Being well versed in having to constantly change batteries to keep things alive, of course that was my first instinct to bring back the joy in my daughter's face. However, I cannot locate the screwdriver anywhere and my husband works 80 hours a week, so I forget to ask him when he's home.

Therefore, the lifeless toy has been momentarily shelved and forgotten by Miss Chubbs as she moved on to some of her other toys.

There would be no problem at this point, except for the fact that the toy that you manufactured is apparently demon possessed.

I lie not.

A couple days ago, I heard a faint "tick, tick, tick, tick, tick" coming from Addison's toy crate.

Being the caring/easily annoyed mother that I am, I investigated.

I discovered that your toy had the horn button permanently stuck in the pressed down position, causing the horn to re beep every several seconds. Since the battery juices are gone, it sounds more like a tick.

tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick

But the battery is dead...and even when turned off it continues to tick.


In frustration, yesterday I finally muffled it's annoying sound under several large pillows in the back of the couch and walked away, happy to once again hear blessed silence.

Within a few hours, the devil toy had worked free and was ticking with the persistent subtly one can't ignore throughout the entire house, the loud, obnoxious tick echoing unwelcomingly against my warmly painted walls.

Many times I tried to unscrew the battery cover with my fingernails and broke several of them to the point of bleeding and pain.

tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick

I swear, it sounds like my house is about to blow.

I thought I had finally found peace by throwing the toy outside to be consumed by all of the wild animals present in our neighborhood (don't underestimate the squirrels), but I awoke this morning at 4AM to

tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick

and could not fall back asleep.

You would think that-chasing around a one year old, working, keeping up with a slightly insane workaholic husband, taking care of my house, writing a book, being pregnant-any number of these things have the potential to drive me absolutely crazy.


It is your metronomically enhanced, demon possessed toy.

tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick

seriously. going. crazy.

When I told Chubbs that we had to get rid of the toy because of the spirits residing in it, she was very upset that a toy company would sell such an evil toy to an innocent child.
 after her initial loathsome shock, she settled on disappointment.
I realize it's too late for my sanity, but if by writing this letter, I can help save the sanity of another poor mom, then I can depart to the crazy house in peace.

Please create toys that die into silence after the battery is gone. The ghost like ticking that continues long after the toy's life is over is more than slightly creepy and on the annoying scale from 1-10 ranks upward to 100.

The Mom A Few Paces Past Completely Losing It
Co-Authored by: Chubbs

Written to the accompaniment of: tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick

P.S. To Gwampa and Grandma...Ignore this post...we love the toy you bought Chubbs...


  1. LOL...Hilarious!! I have experienced this myself! And I too wish toys would just DIE when they need too instead of making creepy sounds for days afterwards! Haha

  2. I haven't had the toy that refuses to die, but have had those that randomly start "talking" in the middle of the night. Freaked me out!

  3. Omg, kid's toys often freak me out. Too funny!!! I used to hear one of Sammi's toys start making noise in the middle of the night. There was a logical reason for it, but still freaky. LOL

  4. Yep..have that exact toy! and others that do the same thing. And the middle of the night talking thing. And /i now keep a screwdriver in the kitchen drawer next to the batteries :) want me to send you one? Or some chocolate to help restore your sanity?

  5. Shauna, what an inspired idea to keep a screwdriver just for batteries in the kitchen!!!! Now, just to go out and get one...lol. Prolly will pick up some of the mentioned chocolates while I'm out. (-:

  6. Deanna, I ALWAYS love your posts! This was hilarious :) Love you and Chubbs (and of course, baby brother) :)

  7. I'm seriously sitting here laughing out loud...too funny! I'd say about 75% of toys are possessed...we had a Mickey Mouse push toy that would randomly go off and it was always in the middle of the night and let me tell you it was no quiet toy. It would start singing and flashing lights at 2am and wouldn't stop until you got up and shook it! Needless to say we no longer own that toy! :)

  8. Now you understand why Phoebe went ballistic when the smoke alarm wouldn't stop making noise.

  9. Haha Karen...I love that you made a Friends reference...so true. (-:

  10. hahahahaha I really love the talking ones whose batteries are nearing expiration and the voices slow down to the point of a record on EXTREMELY low setting. Talk about the Devil talking from a toy. Caleb's grandpa sent us a giggling smiley face doll one time, and that thing was the SCARIEST when the batteries started dying.lol

  11. This happened scarily at our church nursery. Since no one else was around I tried to "bump" it to stop the Pooh voice. Didn't work. I tried several times, and soon felt like I was trying to kill something alive. Yikes! I took it downstairs and threw it away. It was a haunting experience--sorry for your much more intense one! My favorite line of your post is the last one, though. :o)


Thanks for reading about my Everything and Nothing. I would love to hear from you!