Today I was waiting for my chiropractic appointment...sitting in the uncomfy chair idly checking email on my phone...when I heard a cry.
This wasn't just any cry. This was the cry of a newborn. An infant. A baby still wet behind the ears (and most likely other places).
Immediately my eyes filled with tears and a knot formed in my throat. I seriously thought I was going to start bawling right there in the waiting room.
Never before did I realize how the cry of a new baby would effect me. It just reminded me
that I never got to hear Addison cry.
She did one blustering yell when she was first born, and then nothing. for weeks.
Because of her severe pulmonary hypertension, she didn't have the strength or ability to cry. All of her air went towards breathing.
Occasionally they would have to suction her out-and then there were cries of self preservation. because she couldn't breathe. But those moments were filled with such panic and wonder if she would pull through that the cry didn't count as a newborn cry-it was an "I can't breathe please help me" scream from my baby's blue lips-totally different thing.
As I heard the newborn lustily cry today-using healthy lungs to let needs be known, it starkly reminded me of everything that I missed with Addison. I thought of how I'm getting the chance to do this again in September and my eyes filled with tears all over again.
I am so excited. To hear my baby cry.
While I was letting the excitement build and reminding myself that there would come a point when the new baby probably would cry all night while I just want to sleep that I most likely want to retract those thoughts, I wondered if I'm putting too much pressure on this new baby.
Pressure to make up for all of the missed experiences that I never had with Addison.
Holding her after birth. (they don't let you hold babies that are blue enough to resemble a smurf)
Looking down into the eyes of my baby not hid by medical equipment, bonding and connecting in the way that I dreamed about the entire pregnancy. (I never got to see my baby's face without a cannula until she was 3 months old)
Getting a first family picture with our minutes old baby. (We weren't allowed to pick her up for this picture until she was a week old...in her isolation NICU room)
Having her spend those first few nights in our room. (In our hospital the NICU is two floors above the mom recovery floor. It was just so far away.)
Taking her home, being wheeled out by a husband who enjoys pushing the wheelchair entirely too fast while proudly holding my brand new baby wrapped snuggly in her carseat. (She was 5 weeks old when we took her home for the first time and her O2 monitor kept beeping so loudly that we had to do a mad dash out the door)
Hearing her cry.
Being able to nurse her. (They would only let us tube feed her for the longest time)
Being able to to a newborn photo shoot. (professional photographers aren't allowed in the NICU)
Being able to carry her around my house with both arms instead of having to wheel an oxygen tank with the other arm terrified that I was going to drop her. (we didn't get the stationary O2 machine for several months)
Those are all things heavy on my mind that I didn't get to do with Addison-rushing painfully to my memory when I heard that infant cry today. I hope so much that I get the chance to this second time, but I'm afraid that my expectations are too high.
I don't want to leave the hospital in September disappointed because of the dreams I've built up to replace the experience that I never got.
But at the same time, it's so amazingly fun to dream and hope that I could possibly have all of that with this little guy that I'm working so hard to grow.
While I'm wishing for things, it would be nice to have something different than the 31 hour labor (and by different I mean shorter), but I suppose I can live through that again with the hope that I can leave the hospital with baby in arms....
No doubt in September, I will be posting how exhausted I am from actually having to deal with a newborn at home, and bitter tears from nursing struggles, or perhaps frustration from all of the "new baby stuff" that I am wishing after so right now...but just know...there will be no one happier to be complaining about those things...
because they will be a dream come true.