Tuesday, May 17, 2011

the judgment has started

I realize that on a good day, Addison could easily pass as a chubby 6 month old-or a small sized 8 month old, and at first glance one might assume that she is much younger than she actually is...

...furthermore I realize that my baby bump has grown from the awkward is-she-just-putting-on-a-little-weight? stage to definitely-there-is-a-baby-growing-in-there stage....

sooo people are starting to notice...and make comments...

Yes, my babies will be eighteen months apart. No, I don't feel that I have to justify to the world why we are having our children so close in age.

Last weekend I was at a work function and another music teacher (not from my school) was asking me if I was moving out of state since he had noticed my job being posted as open.

I replied that no, we were actually having another baby and I was going to take some time off teaching to stay home with my kids.

He leaned in real close and said with a conspiratorial whisper "You understand what causes pregnancy, right?"

I gave him my best teacher death glare and he backed away with nervous laughter, not saying another word.

Seriously? How is that an appropriate question to ask a colleague?

I was at the hospital yesterday with Addison getting her bloodwork checked (everything is wonderfully normal-yay!), and just in the hour or so we were wandering about, I got so many comments...

"Oh wow, you're having another one?"
"You're going to have your hands full."
"You're already pregnant again? Is that baby yours?"
"Good luck with that." (said in a snide, judgmental voice)

and as I am barely 24 weeks pregnant and the belly growing is far from over, I dread the comments that I'm still to hear.

Why do people feel the need to immediately judge when they see a pregnant mom with another small baby? They don't know any of the background or history or the fact that a sibling close in age will be the very best thing for Addison's competitive driven development. (and even if it wasn't a planned thing...why is it their business to comment or judge?)

If this little boy is healthy and a good eater, I give him a year before he's caught up to Addison in size. Perhaps for a while they will resemble twins. (-: People don't judge a mom with twins, so maybe I just have a year or so left of the judgemental looks, and then the world will understand my family at first glance once again.

Oh well, I don't care. I just know that these comments are going to get very, very old...

I need to come up with witty responses so that one person will ask-be horrified-and then spread the word...no one will mess with us.

Q:"Oh wow, you're having another one?"
A: No, actually we're having triplets. Guess we didn't read the fine print on those fertility drugs...

Q:"You're going to have your hands full."
A:"Oh you have no idea, this is actually my twelfth child in twelve years. An even dozen was our goal."

Q:"You're already pregnant again? Is that baby yours?"
A: No, actually, I have a rare bloating condition that causes my stomach to weirdly inflate when I have too much salt. We tried that new Chinese restaraunt last night(shake head sadly)-their billboard that proclaims their food low in sodium is a complete lie.

Q:"Good luck with that." (said in a snide, judgmental voice)
A: With what? Losing the rest of this baby weight? Are you calling me fat?!? (hysterically lunge towards them while muffling a loud sob/scream)

Hmmm...promising start...I need to hone these answers a bit more.  Let me know if you have a witty response suggestion...I still have 16 weeks worth of comments left to hear.


  1. Oh Deanna, don't think that you will get off easy once they look like twins. Twins seem to be fair game for everyone and no question is too personal. "wow! Twins! How long were you doing fertility treatments?" actually we're that rare 3% of spontaneous twins. Add in one with Ds, and with those odds we should be playing the lottery! ;) which brings up another good question... "twins? And only one of them has Ds? That must be really rare. I didn't even know that could happen."

  2. Whst is it about pregnancy that makes people think they're allowed to be rude? I don't get it!

  3. Oh my goodness, I totally get where you are coming from, I wish I had thought of some of the witty responses you wrote here! And now that Chase is here, I get even more stares like "wow, that couldn't have been planned!" Really, though, I always feel sorry for those that judge, it really shows what kind of person they are on the inside. Keep your chin up and please, please, let us know what someone says if you do use one of those witty responses!

  4. Go for it, Deanna! Do what you have to do to teach other people manners.

  5. I actually had an almost opposite reaction. My youngest (pre-Lydia) is 13! Many, many people thought that I had lost my mind! I am proud mama to a 16 year old AND a 13 yr old AND a 4 month old. Yes, there were days while I was pregnant (and since if I'm being honest lol) that even I thought that I must have been momentarily insane to be starting all over again when I was so close to having my child rearing days over with..(5 years and counting lol) And I loved when I was still two months away from my due date and people started telling me that I looked like I was about to pop any minute. :P NOT! Excuse me for only gaining 6 lbs, and giving birth to a 7 lb baby. (I know, I know...how lucky am I?) There just wasn't much extra to pad that enormous third baby belly! And believe me..by the time they started making their not so polite comments no one was more ready to have that baby than I was haha Good luck dealing with the proverbial butt heads. As one smart alack to another, have fun with it ;)

  6. Oh yeah, I hear ya! In Germany people are all wide eyed even now when they hear that ours are less than 2 years apart. And then when I tell them we'd like to have more at some point we get all kinds of reactions. Some are impressed, most think we're crazy. Sometimes I think they're right. :) The days when the kids decide to gang up against me. But the rest of the time, when I'm in my right mind, I know they are crazy. But the reactions are definitely worse when you've got a big belly and a little one on your hip. Enjoyed your funny comments. Made me laugh, as always. My best reactions from the German people were when I was able to maintain my cool and be really open about how we view our children as special gifts from God and really really enjoy every day we have with them. In Germany children are kind of viewed as a nuisance - and when people hear someone portray their kids as being awesome, fun little people, then it goes a long way with them. Sometimes even makes them rethink their attitude.

    Hope you can come up with some more really great one-liners to give some folks a different perspective.

  7. The only advice I have is get use to it! Landon and Sutter are 18.5 months apart and I was noticeably pregnant by 14wks (I'm 4'10" both boys were over 8lbs at birth, there's no where to hide that bump)...the looks, questions, comments and stares started then and haven't stopped! EVERY time we are out in public someone has to comment on how close in age my kids are...no really, EVERY time! It won't stop once he's here if anything it gets worse...sorry but true! I'll just tell you from experience though it's AWESOME and I wouldn't have it any other way! My boys are the best of friends and play great together.

  8. LOL...People suck! Why do they even feel the need to comment! Oh, btw, loved that last comeback you wrote on here, haha...Good one!
    And honestly ALL my cousins and ALL my friends have spaced their kids out in the exact same way, about 18 months apart. Brad and I were the freaks who spaced ours out three years each. I always thought it looked really neat to have kids close in age, I was just never brave enough to do it.
    Oh and I have had that exact "you know what causes that dont you" comment thrown at me..Made me want to punch someone in the face! I get comments ALL the time on the size of our family...Now I just smile politely and say its our hobby, we just like to collect kids :)

  9. 3 in 3 years here and I've heard it all :) I get a lot of people thinking my older two are twins...I think because having so many little ones is surprising. I just respond with some form of how blessed I am.

  10. You have such a valid pt about the twin thing! Really, no one would BLAME someone for having twins...so why BLAME someone for having 2 in 1.5 years? Everyone is so judgmental. I get that when I say I want another..."ANOTHER? 4?"

  11. Those lines are awesome Deane. Keep up your sense of humor.

    Greetings from Switzerland where everybody has twins novadays.


  12. I am so sorry that people make such rude comments! I like your ideas for answering the questions.

  13. Respond to idiocy with the Word of God "Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his REWARD." Ps. 127:3
    You are blessed:)

  14. Another response could be..."well, our tv broke a few months back, and we didnt know what else to do" LOL!
    seriously, People are so stupid when it comes to pregnant women, and also brand new mommies...I remember right after having had athena we were out shopping and she didnt have socks on (it was the middle of July) and some lady looked at me like I was carrying her by her legs and said "you know newborns should always be kept warm" I being a new mom nervously laughed and walked away. then while preggers with Caleb I was hugely all belly, someone in an elevator looked at athena and looked at me and said "you are huge! were you due like yesteday?" the death look came out when I responded (sadly in truth) no, I still have 3 months left.....hang in there you look great by the way!!

  15. These are great, really made me laugh. When I was pregnant with my last, so many people started asking me if I was having twins, starting at 6 months. I wish I had witty remarks instead of becoming offended. I WAS huge, but still, people should keep their comments to themselves. Now we have just adopted a baby with DS and on the way here in the airport, some guy noticed our two little ones with us (age 3 and 1) and said "wow, you have your hands full", lol little did he know, I wish I had said your 12 kid remark.

  16. i just don't get why people don't think before they speak...don't they know they old saying i tell my girls all the time ...'if you can't say anything nice or positive don't say anything at all!' and it will be perfect, my 2 big girls are 17 months arart and they are the best of friends :)

  17. I'm sorry for people's thoughtless, unkind remarks and comments, Deanna! However, I couldn't stop laughing at your possible responses for those comments in the future. I like your sense of humor!!

  18. Dearest Deanna, people are and will always be silly. Your children will love each other so much and be wonderful buddies. Never second guess ...just roll and learn
    Your blog, writing and foto are simply beautiful. I have had many laughs and tears tonight as I have stayed up way too late reading
    Hugs, Emily Mitchell. Xo

  19. I just found your blog yesterday and I have been reading through all of your old posts. I love the way you write about the realities of parenting and that you are so honest about the everyday adventures. I know this comment is a little late but when someone asks you if you know what causes that, you should reply "Yes, and apparently we are quite good at it!". My brother and I are 16 months apart and we were mistaken for twins for years. My own children are 26 months apart, but only because it took us a little longer than planned to get pregnant the second time. We originally planned to have them closer together. That said, my two boys are such good friends that it was obviously meant to be this way.


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