Saturday, April 16, 2011

pregnant, barefoot and in the kitchen

Pregnant, check, barefoot, check, in the kitchen, check. (I was making delicious cream filled chocolate cupcakes...lest you think I am too fuddy duddy)

When I was younger, I was the one laughing the loudest at the description of those poor women who were seemingly good for nothing else.

Now I find myself a 26 year old with enough advanced degrees to make a pretty decent career for myself, a lot of time and materials spent on being the best musician possible, and a pile of expensive instruments in my front closet. (for those of you who actually know where I live...totally kidding. I only buy the cheap ebay instruments...of course) and yet I spent my day, pregnant, barefoot and in the kitchen.

All this to say, after a rough day at work on Friday, I found myself wondering not for the first time, what in the world am I doing. (at work...in the kitchen those cream filled cupcakes were shaping up quite nicely)

While at work and heating up my left over peanut chicken noodles in the microwave, I observed a pat little saying on the wall that I had never noticed before:

Sometimes on your way to a dream, you get lost and discover a new dream.

I considered my muddled state of mind and found myself wondering if I was lost in the new dream, lost from the old dream, just lost, just dreaming, or trying to figure out what the original dream was in the first place. Confused yet?

There are so many different possibilities of what to become when you grow up, so many different paths to choose. It's simultaneously exhilirating and exhausting. Almost ten years ago, I made the choice that I wanted to study music-first education, then a masters in performance and I was determined that was supposed to be my path in life.

I know I have written about this before, but it really is strange. Lately, I haven't felt as much as a pull towards the musical field as I may have in the past. I have enjoyed advocating for Addison this past year through all of her health drama. I have enjoyed writing about it. I have enjoyed being a mom. And all of that led to me writing another mom's story-my book. I have discovered a me that hadn't previously existed. One that likes, no loves the written word and allowing that word to continue to advocate for my daughter long after I have hit the Publish button.

I work on my writing style-some blog posts get much more attention than others, but this blog has really been a great way for me to develop my own writing style. I have had discouragements over this past year, but have faithfully kept at my book.

It still needs more work....a lot more editing, which I'm excited to have some time this week to spend on it, but I have never been more thrilled about this work of fiction that I'm creating. (thank you, Melinda for the recent help in reading my book and offering excellent suggestions!)

Anyway, I say all that to say- maybe my dream of music teacher/performer got sidetracked by a dream of writing? Maybe my dream of perfecting those orchestral excerpts got trumped by the dream of giving Addison the best of my attention?

I know there are some of you who read my blog who work and mother, and I admire you so, so much. I am struggling to make it work. Not the physical part of going to work every other day- but the part where I give Addison so much of my energy, there is nothing really left over for my job-which makes me feel like I am doing a horrible job at work, which makes me not want to be there. Does that make sense at all? I wish I could be as amazing as all of you who do make it work. Seriously, how do you do it?

Well, my consolation prize is that mid June, I am finished teaching for a while. I can figure out my life a bit...all the while being pregnant, barefoot and in the kitchen. Honestly, laugh at me if you want to. That's where I'm the happiest these days (most likely because Addison is trailing behind me holding tight to my apron strings...yes she literally did that today)

And, my new dream is to be a published author. Who knows if that will actually happen. But I know it for sure won't if I just let my flash drive sit idle...work, work, work and be patient, not expecting this to happen over night.

Meanwhile....I sit and eat those cream filled chocolate cupcakes, pondering these deep thoughts and wondering if this post will make sense to anyone else but myself (I post diverse thoughts with the crazy reasoning that perhaps someone else is going through the same struggle)....and also wondering...how much damage the caloric intake of those cupcakes is doing (I blame the sugar excess from today for my muddled thoughts...seriously, where did this craving come from...so out of the blue)...

6 comments:

  1. I would say a lot of prayer is in order. It's always hard for me to figure out what I should be doing while it's all happening. Trust God, and pray to know the path he wants for you.
    And snuggle that baby a lot!
    The post totally makes sense. Becoming a mom sure changes things.

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  2. We go through different seasons of life and what we value changes. Your post makes perfect sense. Bless you as your find your way.

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  3. Balancing work and motherhood? Got me I couldn't do it (I'm a star at barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen). But could you pass me one of those cupcakes? Seriously though, I've done the music teaching thing, among other things that I've passed through and none of them has been as fulfilling as mothering my girls. I wonder if I'll get back to that stuff when they're older, but if I don't right now I really couldn't care less.

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  4. I don't think you are rambling at all!! In fact, I have often felt the same way. I spent most of my life fighting motherhood and "growing up" and now, that's all I really want out of life. I think priorities shift and you also realize what fulfills you better now than 10 years ago. It's also really funny that they have you pick a major for college that will determine the rest of your life when you really have no idea who you REALLY are. Sorry, my rambling too, but those cupcakes sound delicious! Glad to hear someone else has my scattered thoughts AND cravings for delicious cupcakes. :)

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  5. I have flipped back and forth with what I have wanted to do. When my kids were very young I wanted to be home with them...But as they grew I decided I wanted to do more, I wanted to go back to school for Social Worker...Then my Nephews ended up needing a home to keep them out of Foster Care and my plans changed. It was more important to me to provide that home for them than go back to school...And then Russell came along and now again I just want to be home with him...Thats the great thing about life, nothing ever has to be set in stone. Things change, plans change, dreams change... And its all good :)

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  6. First off, I'm going to apologize for the massive number of comments you will get from me tonight and tomorrow. I am going to get caught up on blog reading because I miss all my friends!

    And maybe that says something about working and raising Claire. I know there are days work suffers, and I know there are days Claire suffers and there are the days that I just want to read, to catch up on blogs and TV, to do a little something just for me. I still don't have the balance thing down and can only imagine that it will get harder when we have another baby.

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Thanks for reading about my Everything and Nothing. I would love to hear from you!