It's way past my bedtime. Chubbs is soundly asleep, making small grunting noises as she dreams-undoubtedly of her traumatic bath experience with her cousin.
Outside the largest moon in twenty years shines beautifully overhead, and my soft bed beckons, yet still here I sit. Holding carefully my rice bag that is pinned up with safety pins because Addison ripped a hole in it with her teeth...all the while- contemplating this blog.
It's amazing how blog discontentment is a very real, very serious problem. A year ago I never would have dreamed that so much of my life would be thrown so recklessly into written form and hurled into the cyber world for anyone to read.
I've enjoyed this form of expression more than I can say. I feel that I have become a better writer, a better mom, a better wife, a better friend as I am able to really pick apart some tricky emotions and happenstance from the crazy year that we have led.
All that being said, I often look at other blogs- bigger, more spectacular- and the ugly head of blog jealously rears its ugly head.
But this week, the truth finally dawned on me.
1. I don't have the most original blog. Yes, I write about my one daughter- how many of hundreds of thousands of blogs do this exact same thing? And no, I don't offer parenting advice. Hello...I barely know what I'm doing here (you all saw the silver bullet picture...right?)
2. I don't have the best pictures or even great picture quality on my blog. Confession: I am still using the digital camera that I bought back in 2003(?) for the 10 week trip to Europe that I was able to take (and also met my husband on). I spend many wasted hours longing for a nice camera...especially when I see some of the amazing pictures that blogs all around me are sporting. Wow.
3. I'm not the funniest person in the world. My students remind me of this daily. My humor is sometimes a learned thing...(I'm convinced that masterful sarcasm is an art that should be appreciated way more than it actually is)
4. I don't have any housecleaning tips to offer, sending you to scrub your house from top to bottom as you finally realize that one secret that you were missing to make it all perfect. Yeah, if you could see my house you would thank me for not sharing my methods. (Although, I did let you in on the baby mopping secret...that should score me some points)
5. I don't have an amazing house that I share pictures of and inspire you with fantastic DIY projects and decorating ideas. I love my house, don't get me wrong- but change around here is slow, and if I posted only the progress on that- you would see a post once every couple of years...(Although new countertops are coming soon....long, long, long overdue. That would be this year's post.)
6. The latest and greatest recipes are not found here for the sharing, and I don't have a month's worth of menus that you can make in one day, throw in the freezer and magically feed a family of six. I do a lot of cooking/baking and I love trying new recipes, but oftentimes I just forget to post them, run out of time, or convince myself that my pregnancy taste buds interpret everything incorrectly these days.
7. I don't post inspirational thoughts or challenges that send you running to become the next Mother Therea. If my posts ended with a "Go thou and do likewise" I fear that my influence wouldn't always be the most positive thing in the world. (Perhaps this should be on my "need for improvement" list?)
8. I don't do fundraisers or giveaways that leave you drooling over desired prizes as you furiously click, shopping around with your intended winnings. (I could offer you the old, chipping and peeling countertops...anyone?)
9. I'm not the best writer out there. I mean, you've read the amazing blogs where you just walk away shaking your head in amazement, totally viewing the world differently after reading a couple of well crafted sentences. Sometimes I'm lucky to remember to include a subject and a verb. Honestly, I just don't have a lot of time to edit my posts very carefully for errors and such- let alone come up with spellbinding wording and descriptions.
10. I don't post the best coupon deals and where to find the most outrageously cheap items across town. Believe me, I spend a lot of time and energy consumed with this very thing, but once again, I lack the motivation or time to post that here. (Plus, those of you across the nation and world...what do you care what deals I found in my little town here in Vermont?)
As I truly contemplated my blog, it occurred to me....
Why does anyone actually read these random words that I string together with occasional pictures of my baby in every conceivable outfit?
This is just me, growing, learning and most importantly loving as I enjoy the journey titled "Motherhood" along with a baby girl who happens to be sporting something just a little extra.
This is truly my Everything and Nothing. It's like we are sitting down with a cup of coffee, with a one way conversation....me monopolizing the entire thing. (By the way, anyone else totally digging the new Baileys Irish Creamer???)
As I discovered this sad truth about my blog, and the value behind its existence, it came to mind that I was long overdue to thank you all.
Thank you for reading the words that overflow from my heart. Thank you for oohing and aahing over my amazing little girl's pictures and somehow refraining from commenting on their bad picture quality.
Thank you for encouraging me in more ways than you'll ever know. Thank you for helping me see that I'm not alone in this journey. Every comment, every note, every cyber hug- has been like salve to help heal the open wounds and sores that this last year and a half seemed to create in this new Mommy's heart.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I owe you all in a big way. If you would ever like to make this conversation two sided, I would love to hear from you- about your lives, about your struggles, about your everything and nothing. You already know that I can talk a lot...but I think I can listen as well. (Please no snarky comments from the hubby...)
I'm embarrassed to admit how much this blog means to me. How much this blogging time has created a safe little haven for me. How much I love so many wonderful people that I have "met" with fabulous blogs of their own. Yes, it's embarrassing....but I have a feeling that this is just the beginning. Here's to someday meeting in real life these wonderful people, continuing to learn and improve...and many, many more blog posts...large audience or not- that's not what this is about for me. I just have to keep reminding myself and the jealously slowly fades to a distant memory.
And now that I have gotten this off my chest...yes, definitely time for bed. It's way too late to be thinking this hard....