I sat down yesterday and started writing a comparison from this week last year to this week this year (Addison turns one on Sunday).
This comparison even included a witty portrayal of bedrest as a type of prison sentence. (It was funny...trust me).
But I couldn't bring myself to finish the post because all I could think about was that I cried in the grocery store earlier that day.
I was perusing the salad dressing aisle, searching for just the right Greek dressing, when I spotted her.
A little girl wearing Chubbs' exact pink bear suit.
She was strongly sitting in the front of the grocery cart. She caught my eye, smiled and waved.
I knew that this girl was either Chubbs' age or younger.
She was wearing the same exact pink bear suit that Chubbs wears so proudly every time we step out into the frigid temperatures.
Chubbs sits in the grocery cart, but not strongly. She won't catch strangers eyes and smile and she won't wave.
For some reason this made me cry. Right in front of Ken's Greek dressing.
I've been thinking a lot about this, trying to analyze why I responded the way I did.
This week is Addison's first birthday. I am over the moon excited to celebrate this with her.
But I am also sad. Not because I don't love her. I love her so much it physically hurts.
I'm sad because she is just so far from where I imagined that she'd be by one year. I feel like I have failed to push her enough- failed to do the magical amount of therapy time every day.
I'm sad because her one year leukemia check is coming up in a few weeks, and I just have a really bad feeling about it.
I know I'm probably not making a ton of sense. Just a few days ago I posted a ranting post about trusting God with our children. It's not that I don't trust that Addison is right where she should be right now.
It's just that I'm inexplicably sad. This is a very emotional week for me as I remember Addison's birthday.
I think sad is an acceptable emotion to add to the week. It's a weird kind of sad.
It's strange to see pictures of all of my friend's babies that were born within months of Addison last year. Except these friend's babies are walking and just look more like toddlers/little girls. It's not that I would trade Addison for one minute, but it makes me sad to look at Addison and see her still very much in the baby phase.
I've been working on a video montage of Addison from the past year. This took A LOT of time as I had about six thousand pictures to search through. This activity made me a little bit sad too. This last year has been hard. But looking through these pictures also made me smile and be overwhelmingly thankful.
I face Addison's birthday with mixed emotions. Right now the prominent one is sad. I'm sure as the week progresses more of the thankful and excited will come through.
I hope so.
I sure love this little girl. I can't believe that she's been mine for one whole year.