Tuesday, February 1, 2011

sad

I sat down yesterday and started writing a comparison from this week last year to this week this year (Addison turns one on Sunday).

This comparison even included a witty portrayal of bedrest as a type of prison sentence. (It was funny...trust me).

But I couldn't bring myself to finish the post because all I could think about was that I cried in the grocery store earlier that day.

I was perusing the salad dressing aisle, searching for just the right Greek dressing, when I spotted her.

A little girl wearing Chubbs' exact pink bear suit.

She was strongly sitting in the front of the grocery cart. She caught my eye, smiled and waved.

I knew that this girl was either Chubbs' age or younger.

She was wearing the same exact pink bear suit that Chubbs wears so proudly every time we step out into the frigid temperatures.

Chubbs sits in the grocery cart, but not strongly. She won't catch strangers eyes and smile and she won't wave.

For some reason this made me cry. Right in front of Ken's Greek dressing.

I've been thinking a lot about this, trying to analyze why I responded the way I did.

This week is Addison's first birthday. I am over the moon excited to celebrate this with her.

But I am also sad. Not because I don't love her. I love her so much it physically hurts.

I'm sad because she is just so far from where I imagined that she'd be by one year. I feel like I have failed to push her enough- failed to do the magical amount of therapy time every day.

I'm sad because her one year leukemia check is coming up in a few weeks, and I just have a really bad feeling about it.

I know I'm probably not making a ton of sense. Just a few days ago I posted a ranting post about trusting God with our children. It's not that I don't trust that Addison is right where she should be right now.

It's just that I'm inexplicably sad. This is a very emotional week for me as I remember Addison's birthday.

I think sad is an acceptable emotion to add to the week. It's a weird kind of sad.

It's strange to see pictures of all of my friend's babies that were born within months of Addison last year. Except these friend's babies are walking and just look more like toddlers/little girls. It's not that I would trade Addison for one minute, but it makes me sad to look at Addison and see her still very much in the baby phase.

I've been working on a video montage of Addison from the past year. This took A LOT of time as I had about six thousand pictures to search through. This activity made me a little bit sad too. This last year has been hard. But looking through these pictures also made me smile and be overwhelmingly thankful.

I face Addison's birthday with mixed emotions. Right now the prominent one is sad. I'm sure as the week progresses more of the thankful and excited will come through.

I hope so.

I sure love this little girl. I can't believe that she's been mine for one whole year.

9 comments:

  1. When I was at Sarah's awards ceremony last week, I noticed that there is a cute girl in her grade with DS. I didn't notice this because she was "different." I noticed it because she was the happiest girl up there. She lit up the whole stage with her huge smile. And, she was standing on her tippie-toes and waving to her mom. I couldn't help but smile with her because she was so happy and not shy at all. My (and I'm sure everyone's) eyes were drawn just to her. I know this probably doesn't help, but she will smile and wave at strangers eventually. Just compare Addison to Addison. She is a miracle child:)

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  2. I think sad is okay as you approach this HUGE milestone and I think it's safe to say "we" all went through a little bit of sadness as the 1st birthday approached. It's a time for reflection and a time to embrace all that we've (you've) been through over the last year.

    When I look at Addison now compared to 6,7, 8 months ago I think she's come amazingly far! All of those other babies who are walking, waving and smiling at strangers haven't been through a fraction of what Addison has over the last year. She's working hard everyday and making huge progress and that's all because of you! Allow yourself to feel sad and when you're ready to move on you'll know it...until then embrace these feelings...we all know you love your little girl!!!

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  3. I don't have much to say, but just want you to know I think your emotions are normal. I have felt that, I think there's a loss there. It's not a bad thing but we lost what we were expecting and that can be hard. I know you will find all the joy and excitement you hope for, but don't feel bad about the sad.

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  4. Just know that you are normal. I've read about so many other mamas experiencing similar emotions around a first birthday...praying for you, friend, because I know your happy days far outweigh the sad ones! It helps me to "get it all out" through blogging, and I'm glad you are real. You're helping other moms deal with their emotions too.
    LOVE the new header- that baby is so stinking photogenic!!!

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  5. Deanna, once more you made me cry. Sniff. And then I was going to write something poetic, but then I read the other comments, and they were just beautiful. So I'm going to be real original and quote:

    "I noticed it because she was the happiest girl up there. She lit up the whole stage with her huge smile." Um, Yes. That sounds like Addison. 'Cause, just why do you think I check YOUR blog first every day. OK, admittedly, you're an amazing blogger, but ADDISON lights up my room.

    "When I look at Addison now compared to 6,7, 8 months ago I think she's come amazingly far! All of those other babies who are walking, waving and smiling at strangers haven't been through a fraction of what Addison has over the last year." This hit me right in the gut. Addison, you're my hero. I want to be like you when I grow up.

    "I'm glad you are real. You're helping other moms deal with their emotions too."

    Amen and Amen. And Amen.

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  6. I completely completely completely understand how you feel. Although i was completely elated when colin turned one, I too, felt a little bit sad...sad because I knew he wasn't going to be stuffing his face with the cake like other new 1 year olds, and he wasn't going to be crawling yet or taking any steps...but I had fun with the things that he DID do...I think this journey we are on WILL bring moments of sadness, but plenty more moments of happiness (heck, just look at my post from tonight! I've been crying a lot today and Colin is nearing 2 now! lol)...HUGS. Love watching your little girl through the blog!

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  7. That made me tear up.
    I do the same.
    Compare buggie to others her age.
    How much they look like four-month olds.
    How buggie looks so much younger.
    My heart hurts when people ask her age and look suprised when I tell them. They think she is only a month old because she is so small.
    I get it. My pain still comes from the loss of the baby I just KNEW I was carrying for those 9mths. Although I have something so much better then I ever dreamed, still, I miss the little girl I expected.
    And now... come on...One! How exciting!

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  8. okay babe...I went through all this a while ago...it's a huge kick in the ass to see other kids where your child should be, but never really had the chance to even get there on time developmentally. It sucks, but it doesn't mean we don't love our babies, we do! And it's such a punch in the stomach because we love them so fiercely it hurts to see them struggle and fight to catch up with their peers.
    And I'm probably the poster mom for not doing enough therapy with Brooke, at least that's how I feel. But I like her to be free on the floor to explore, I feel strongly about her just having baby time...it's a fine line we mamas walk.
    And as much as it blows to be sad once in a while about Brooke's delays, I will admit that part of me loves having her be a baby a bit longer...and then I feel guilty about that and do more therapy...we just can't win.
    You're doing great! You're an awesome mom...and your little girl loves you...

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