Thank you all so much for passing along your congratulations. It means so much.
One huge weakness/huge problem of mine is always worrying and being controlled by what others around me think. (I sometimes place blame for this fault, but recently just decided it doesn't matter where it came from, it is just time to overcome). Anyway, that being said, I really, really wanted another baby, but I was terrified about what other people would say.
I have friends from all different circles. I was afraid that my new Ds mommy friends would think I was foolish for dividing my attention away from Addison who obviously still needs so much help.
I was afraid that my grad school and work friends would think that I am now this crazy person whose life is dedicated entirely to popping out babies and give me twenty years and I'll have twenty kids and a TV show.
I was afraid that all of my old college friends who have all been recently having just the most perfect and beautiful babies would look at the one baby that I do have with so many health problems and think that I'm doing my little family a disservice by making all of the same "mistakes" all over again.
I was afraid that all of the doctors/therapists that we see on a regular basis would look at my growing belly in disgust thinking that someone with such obviously bad genes and apparently unhealthy lifestyle would really be better off with just the one "burden".
It sounds crazy to myself as I'm typing this out, but these were my legitimate fears. I warned you that this was a very real problem.
I think these fears first started a year ago when I was sitting at Chubbs' NICU bedside 24/7 and secretly listening into the nurses gossip and other patient's conversations. (Don't judge. I was bored.)
Anyway, a couple of weeks in a single mom with a preemie baby moved into the spot right across from us. As I sat and listened to loud conversations between the nurse and this mom's sister, I gathered that this was not her first preemie. Apparently, she also had a three year old who was also born early and also had health problems. I don't know all of the details because I only heard what they offered up, but I heard bits and pieces that built up the the conclusion that the sister was going to convince the mom to get her tubes tied because obviously she can't do the pregnancy thing right because both of her kids were so unhealthy and she simply should not have any more kids. The nurse was vehemently agreeing the entire time.
I sat very still and listened- looking at her baby and then back at mine. My baby was way sicker than hers- attached to way more tubes than hers- they left the NICU way before we did. The irrational fear was installed that perhaps the nurses said that about me when I left for the night. From there the fear grew into a monster as I looked around me and saw hardly anyone else going through the same health problems (on top of the Ds). My daughter was on oxygen for nine months- you can't go through that without questioning: Was it me? Did I do something wrong?
Obviously, I have overcome those fears enough to announce our newest miracle. Yes, it was in God's plan to give us an extra special order the first time. Not in our original plans, but now we wouldn't wish for anything else. Now for our second baby, we can trust Him just as much.
When you sign up for the whole pregnancy thing, you put in your order for that one perfect baby- beautiful, smart, interestingly wonderful- the whole package of physical, emotional and mental perfection. Sometimes you don't even realize the expectations that are perhaps a mite unrealistic. You take all of the vitamins, you cut out things from your diet, you rethink everything you do and eat to reach the ultimate goal of that perfect baby.
When you're at long last handed that baby that you grew for nine long months- vomiting for- getting fat for-going on bedrest for- laboring for- all of a sudden, the old concept of perfection flies out of your head, you look down at what you've been given and decide that you couldn't imagine loving any baby more. You then assign that baby the label of perfection- different than the one you originally imagined, but much more real because now you have a face to assign to it.
When that "order" comes back with a bit of a surprise- it doesn't mean that you made a mistake. It means that God has picked you for something extra special. He trusts you with an additional responsibility- ultimately for additional reward in your parenting experience.
It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I could look at this objectively. I will admit that everything I do with this pregnancy- I still way overthink "Standing in front of the microwave...did that give her the heart issue" "I put my laptop on my lap...did that contribute to any of her problems?" Everything I do I think through very carefully.
But at the end of the day- I trust God to give me another perfect baby in His perfect timing (which seems to be six months from now).
My irrational fears may have caused me some sleepless nights and some jealousy at the babylicious perfection all around me, but through it all, I settle on happiness and thankfulness.
To be trusted with Addison, my first perfect child....and preparing for a second perfect child- no matter what labels might accompany said child....I feel very, very blessed.
Side note: I really think that developmentally, it will be really good for Addison to have a sibling so close in age- I dream that perhaps they will learn and do some of the same things at the same time. Addison is very competitive- with that extra push, who knows what she might accomplish? (-:
Anyway, I wanted to elaborate on yesterday's post. I felt a bit weird about the brief paragraph referencing this fear after hitting "Publish Post". I feel much better now after giving some background.
Thank you so much for going out of your way to be excited for me. It has really helped put the last of those silly fears to rest. And even if you're not excited for me, that's OK too. I'm getting to the place where I don't need the excitement of others to fuel my own. (I call that growth!)
This blog has helped me so much this past year deal with all of the changes in my life, and I look forward to continuing to do that. Even if the challenges now take a slightly different twist, I hope you will all stick with me. For those of you who expressed concern that I would no longer have time to blog, I assure you, this is way too much fun to stop now. (-: