Wednesday, February 16, 2011

completely random

I sit at my cluttered Dining Room table, encased in my very soft North Face fleece that is my new all time favorite thing to wear with chapped hands typing furiously away under the healing salve of slathered bag balm. The joys of a Vermont winter.

Addison is curled up in her fleece sleeper, zipped up in her sleeping bag with chubby arms latched around her stuffed animal of choice tonight.

I am amazed how much she has even changed in the last few weeks. It seems that right in front of my eyes, she is transitioning from baby to little girl. This scares me. A baby with lots of health needs was relatively easy to take care of- learn all the right things to do at what time and keep to a schedule. Now she loves to play hard, read books and randomly yells for things that she wants (turns out, she is very opinionated.). This scares me. What if I don't do the right activities, the most stimulating games, read enough books for her to develop to her full potential?

It's hard enough parenting a "normal" child, but being told from day one that you will be fighting an uphill battle with intelligence and skill level terrifies me that I will somehow let Chubbs down. Even doing the activities that the therapist's suggest- it just doesn't seem like enough. No matter how much I play with her or let her explore on her own- it never seems like enough. And yes, I give her independent play. It was very important to us that she not need us to entertain her every hour of the day. But then I wonder, how much is too much independent play? Am I missing valuable teaching time? But then she expects attention every second of the day. What is the balance?

It makes me wish that I was more into little kids before I actually had one of my own- learned some fun games- some songs that weren't in compound meter or with wide leaping intervals-some activities that would make her want to learn. I stand in front of her with my baton ready to teach and it seems to do nothing for her. Hmmmm. It's a mystery. I guess I have the wrong skill set to be a great mom to a little girl.

Definitely something to work on.

Also heavy on my mind- tomorrow is Addison's one year leukemia checkup. Call me paranoid, but I just have a bad feeling. This bad feeling isn't going to go away until she is three years old leukemia free. Last week at her pediatrician's appointment, he jokingly laughed that she either had a tumor in her stomach or a poop waiting to come out and I didn't let go of my held breath until three hours later when she finally grunted and worked that bad boy out.

She has a rash on her jaw and I immediately assume the worst. She easily gets dark circles under her eyes and bruises from this and that and I freak out that she is already advancing before even being diagnosed. Last week while playing hard, she just randomly started bleeding twice in one day- once on her finger and once on her lip. My heart just about beat out of my chest before I convinced myself that they were paper cuts since her one goal in life right now is to hunt down the nearest paper and then eat it.

Yeah, I am super paranoid. I will feel better if we get a good blood work results tomorrow. Last year, Dr Homon told me that a popular time to transition is right around one year. And you wonder why I'm nervous?

So I am off to go shower my little angel with more kisses. Seriously, there is nothing more amazing than a sleeping baby. First of all because how stinking cute she looks all relaxed and cuddled up. Second, it's a sigh of relief because there is obviously nothing more that I could be doing for her at that exact moment.

Sorry for the completely random post. My mind is a bit in a muddle...but it actually feels better after this rambling. Thanks for listening. (-:

Now I'm off to bed. Lately Chubbs has been using that loud opinionated yell to demand crib side bottle service around 2AM. Hopefully a very short lived trend...

8 comments:

  1. phew...feel better now? and coming from a mom with both "typical" children and Brooke, that am I doing enough feeling never goes away. not to be the bearer of bad news or anything. Trust your mommy instincts, Addison is growing, she is thriving! She loves you! She's happy and cheerful and loves to play with toys! She's amazing...and you're the one doing all that...
    and good luck at the check up...that really must suck...one of the things I'm most worried about here...

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  2. Calvin has been up in the middle of the night too :(

    Well, I don't blame you for all your worries. However, you do not "have the wrong skill set to be a great mom to a little girl". That is obvious in your posts and the fact that you post! But, I also feel that I should be doing more. Or, if I were, would Calvin be pushing up on his hands? Well, I need to realize he is advancing. That is the same with any kid, but I think we tend to over analyze because of the special needs. Hopefully it will go away.

    Best wishes and prayers for tomorrow! Nerve wracking for sure! I am not going to even let myself go there. I pray for the best: health!

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  3. Hey Deanna, glad I'm not the only mom who feels like she's surely not doing enough "teaching" and "developing" of her kids. :) But considering Addison's as far as she is, well... I'd say you're too tough on yourself. My 1.5 year old wasn't standing up until around the same time as Addison, and she didn't have tons of procedures and surgeries to work through. So, hats off to you.

    BTW, you get 2 entries on the give-away, although I ADMIT I was HOPING to hear from you what favorite book Aaron reads to Addison during their ADORABLE Daddy/ daughter time... It was Cinderella when she was a newborn, right? I've giggled and awwed through enough videos of Addison talking to know that it doesn't have to be actual words - your description of her yelling random syallables made me laugh. I've gotta meet this girl.

    Praying that the appointment goes well. Thanks a lot doctor for the wisecrack about poop/ tumor. That's just not something to say to any mom. :)

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  4. I struggle with the "did I spend enough time or too much" time with both of my boys! Landon has always been very good at playing independently, but Sutter really likes to have me right next to him....which is great, but lets face it I do have a few other things to do during the day! The one I worry about the most is "did he spend too much time in the jumper"? It's sort of my go to place to put him if I'm trying to get stuff done because it keeps him put and I don't have to worry about what he's getting into. Ah, the endless worries of being a parent!

    I will be sending lots of good test result vibes your way!!!!

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  5. You and Aaron have the skill sets you need to be parents. Trust the Lord each day and your instincts. Don't borrow trouble before it happens -- easier to say than to do! "Cast your burdens . . ." -- hourly, daily, etc.

    It is natural to wonder if you're doing all you can. But don't let that become a negative thing. Dr. Fremont used to talk about having "negative devil thoughts and letting them control you." I've done that sometimes. I just handed back a civ. test and have had contact with a parent of one of my students. I have civ. students with a 27 and 42 average after two tests. Must be their terrible discussion leader --- never mind that neither of them had term sheets along today, and didn't go to the extra review class. My student with the parental contact is flunking for the second-=time through. Yikes! Won't come see, won't go to the Academic Success Center. Can't find time to go out to dinner either. Is it too late to change MY major? I'm thinking about a second occupation for retirement. Should I take pharmicist assistant at Greemville Tech or certify for ESL since I was an English major, too? My friend and I think we might be greeters at Wal-Mart -- not a bad thing since I DO enjoy meeting people but what I am still suited for?

    I can anticipate the worst. Some faculty-staff got laid off. Instead of thanking the Lord I still have a job I had this panicky feeling, "What if they lay ME off next year???" They could but I better not spend the year worrying about it. I need to work for the night is coming -- and it will be a totally different layoff!

    I don't think that we need to spiritualize over everything but I am reminded of the verse in Timonty: "God have NOT given us a spirit of fear, but of power. and of love and a sound mind." So if I'm having a constantly frustated mind and am having abnormal fears, either Satan is after me or I've let things get out of control by choices I've made.
    Praying for the three you. Enjoy each day.
    With loving prayers,
    Doc

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  6. Deanna, you are doing a wonderful job with Addison...Just look at her, she is beautiful and smart and doing so many amazing things despite all she has had to overcome. As her Mother you are doing EVERYTHING right, never doubt that!
    I am praying for you guys that Addisons blood tests come back good...I just took Russell in today for his.

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  7. I worry about doing enough to. All we can do is our best and pray it's enough. Keeping my fingers crossed that the test come back quickly with really great levels to ease your mind.

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  8. I worry about how much teaching I'm doing too. I've a big fan of independent play. I don't want Claire to be dependent on me for all of her entertainment. But when I see 3 year olds who know their colors and letters I already feel so far behind...

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