Addison is curled up in her fleece sleeper, zipped up in her sleeping bag with chubby arms latched around her stuffed animal of choice tonight.
I am amazed how much she has even changed in the last few weeks. It seems that right in front of my eyes, she is transitioning from baby to little girl. This scares me. A baby with lots of health needs was relatively easy to take care of- learn all the right things to do at what time and keep to a schedule. Now she loves to play hard, read books and randomly yells for things that she wants (turns out, she is very opinionated.). This scares me. What if I don't do the right activities, the most stimulating games, read enough books for her to develop to her full potential?
It's hard enough parenting a "normal" child, but being told from day one that you will be fighting an uphill battle with intelligence and skill level terrifies me that I will somehow let Chubbs down. Even doing the activities that the therapist's suggest- it just doesn't seem like enough. No matter how much I play with her or let her explore on her own- it never seems like enough. And yes, I give her independent play. It was very important to us that she not need us to entertain her every hour of the day. But then I wonder, how much is too much independent play? Am I missing valuable teaching time? But then she expects attention every second of the day. What is the balance?
It makes me wish that I was more into little kids before I actually had one of my own- learned some fun games- some songs that weren't in compound meter or with wide leaping intervals-some activities that would make her want to learn. I stand in front of her with my baton ready to teach and it seems to do nothing for her. Hmmmm. It's a mystery. I guess I have the wrong skill set to be a great mom to a little girl.
Definitely something to work on.
Also heavy on my mind- tomorrow is Addison's one year leukemia checkup. Call me paranoid, but I just have a bad feeling. This bad feeling isn't going to go away until she is three years old leukemia free. Last week at her pediatrician's appointment, he jokingly laughed that she either had a tumor in her stomach or a poop waiting to come out and I didn't let go of my held breath until three hours later when she finally grunted and worked that bad boy out.
She has a rash on her jaw and I immediately assume the worst. She easily gets dark circles under her eyes and bruises from this and that and I freak out that she is already advancing before even being diagnosed. Last week while playing hard, she just randomly started bleeding twice in one day- once on her finger and once on her lip. My heart just about beat out of my chest before I convinced myself that they were paper cuts since her one goal in life right now is to hunt down the nearest paper and then eat it.
Yeah, I am super paranoid. I will feel better if we get a good blood work results tomorrow. Last year, Dr Homon told me that a popular time to transition is right around one year. And you wonder why I'm nervous?
So I am off to go shower my little angel with more kisses. Seriously, there is nothing more amazing than a sleeping baby. First of all because how stinking cute she looks all relaxed and cuddled up. Second, it's a sigh of relief because there is obviously nothing more that I could be doing for her at that exact moment.
Sorry for the completely random post. My mind is a bit in a muddle...but it actually feels better after this rambling. Thanks for listening. (-:
Now I'm off to bed. Lately Chubbs has been using that loud opinionated yell to demand crib side bottle service around 2AM. Hopefully a very short lived trend...