Wednesday, October 6, 2010

surreal


These pictures were taken right before Addison was taken back for her heart Cath. It is almost as if she is saying, "Don't worry, Mom. I got this."

It feels very surreal to be home right now. You know how you build up something so horrible in your mind, dread it, have nightmares about it- and then you are staring in the face of the horrible thing, and find out that it isn't going to happen? You aren't going to have to go through the nightmare? You aren't going to have to do the thing that you dreaded? That is how I feel right now. I feel a huge sense of relief, but also it all feels so unreal because I had it so built up in my mind.

Also, this might sound very weird, but hang with me as I try to explain something. Whenever Addison has had a big surgery or procedure, I get so caught up in it going well, praying that she survives, "building" up the drama of whatever particular medical thing we are going through at the moment, that I get in the zone almost where I feel like we are going through the surgery to "cure" her Down Syndrome. When the doctor comes out to tell us how well it has gone, I feel like we have defeated the root of the problem instead of just remembering that we were fixing a "symptom". I always get a huge letdown when I realize that none of that is going to change, we are just doing what we can to help her be as healthy and happy as possible as she continues to be her amazing self.

Don't get me wrong, I love Addison just for who she is. But in the heat of the moment, I feel myself get "disappointed" all over again as we wind down from big medical drama (yes, we have experienced a lot of medical drama in her short life) and are left still with all of the uncertainty and ups and downs of having a child with Down Syndrome. Has anyone else ever felt this way?

Since this isn't the first time I have been through this, I know now to remind myself that she is perfect. That I wouldn't want to change that about her even if we could. That she is amazing and will continue to surprise us. That I shouldn't let myself get re-bogged down by the stereotypes and common expectations.

Sigh. Mostly it is hard because when all is said and down after these experiences, I am exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, physically. (Thank you, Children's hospital for having us share a room with a screaming child whose days and nights are unfortunately mixed up) When I am so exhausted, it is harder to deal with everything and think logically about what I know to be true.

It is so wonderful to be home. To sleep in my own bed. To shower in my own shower. To make my pumpkin spice coffee just the way I like it. To be all together again as a family (not listed in order of importance). You should have seen the smile on Addison's face when she saw her Daddy again. There is nothing quite like a little girl's love for her Daddy.

I would like to thank all of you for praying for us these past few days. God is faithful and He has definitely answered a huge prayer in our lives this week. Just this morning, one of the doctors was saying how this was very unusual that they were able to close the ASD like this on such a small baby. Unusual? I prefer the word 'miracle'. She had a 10mm hole in her heart, and they took a device to close it through a tiny prick in her leg all the way up to her heart and placed it perfectly. Ummmm, wow.

Thank you also for your many comments. While I was sitting by Addison's bed, or waiting in the waiting room, I was constantly checking my email on my phone and was continuously encouraged by the many, many sweet notes and comments. Thank you. We so appreciate all of you. I love being able to share Addison with you all through the medium of this blog. She truly is our miracle baby.

Who is, by the way, eight months exactly today. How time flies when you're having fun.....(-:

4 comments:

  1. Praise the Lord that everything went so well, Deanna! Your dad gave us the good news at church tonight! Anna says to tell you she's glad Addison is going to be OK! We love Addison and can't wait to meet her some day! :)

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  2. Happy eight months little Addison! And what a beautiful miracle for everything to just slip together the way it did so perfectly...I am relieved for you and happy you guys are home!

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  3. What a wonderful miracle!!!!! Happy 8 months!!!oxox

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  4. Rejoicing with you in your miracle and your 8-month old sweetheart. So glad you all are home and together again. Get some rest. I know your emotions have to be all over the place. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

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