Tuesday, October 12, 2010

stolen moments

Even though you accept something, it doesn't mean that there aren't times that you are still sad about little things.

For example: (I realize this isn't unique to DS, but this is part of our story)

Whenever I see a picture album of a brand new baby- pics of the baby being footprinted- the baby crying- first time Mommy holds the baby- first family picture-leaving the hospital when the baby is a mere hours old....

I cry. I can't help it. It is just my first reaction.

I feel like I had all of those moments stolen away from me.

Addison was taken to the NICU almost immediately after she was born and didn't come home until 5 weeks later with a g-tube and an oxygen cylinder and an oximeter attached to her every minute of the day.

The first time that I really held Addison included her being carefully arranged on a pillow around countless wires and tubes by a nurse and than me being allowed to put my arms around her, but not to move her (that was the only way I was allowed to hold her for weeks)

Our first family picture was taken after Addison was a week old in Addison's isolation room. (this was also the first time they allowed us to give her a sponge bath...she was smeeeeelly)

My baby never got foot printed. When the air had cleared enough for me to want it for her baby book (a few months ago), I called to get a copy, and they informed me that they only do foot prints now if the parents specifically request it. My daughter was struggling for her life. That was the last thing on my mind to request.

Addison didn't cry for weeks. It took too much energy just to breathe. She had nothing left over to express herself with.

I wasn't allowed to feed my daughter until she was three and a half weeks old when I convinced a nurse to sneak me a bottle and I introduced Addison to eating for the first time (Note: I got in trouble for this later since apparently babies with low muscle tone aren't expected to eat normally...WHAT?)

I wasn't able to breastfeed my daughter. By the time I had convinced Addison that working for her food was a good thing, she showed absolutely no interest. I pumped and kept her 100% on breast milk for 4 months and partially on breastmilk for a few more months, but I just couldn't keep it up with my schedule past that. I feel like I have missed out on a huge part of motherhood.

I know I have so much to be thankful through it all. I know I have been hugely blessed. I know couldn't love any baby more than I love Addison.

But sometimes, I feel sad because I feel like so many of those precious moments that everyone else seems to have long albums to represent- I never got.

What brings this to mind tonight? My sister Bekka is imminently due for her first baby...a little girl...and I am so excited for her. I hope she gets all of these moments. Because once they are taken away from you, they never can be recovered....


  1. I'm not disagreeing with anything you said, just think about all the memories you have had/will have that others won't. For instance, as Addison reaches milestones, you will be so much more proud of her and happy than any of the rest of us are/were. You understand more intimately how precious life is, and when you look at her every day, you don't take that for granted. I'm sure there are tons more that I don't even realize. I know these won't take the place of the other memories, but they are still your memories, so hold on to them. And, someday, you will get a chance to experience some of the other memories. Don't look at them as memories lost, think of it as something to look forward to.

  2. Deanna, I felt the same way when I had Russell...And when I read your words "I feel like I had all those moments stolen away from me" I burst into tears.
    It hurt to be alone in my Hospital room...with no baby...It hurt to not be able to hold him for days, and then only with a ton of wires attatched...It hurt to leave the Hospital without him...And it hurt for months after seeing other Moms having the "perfect" experience when they had their babies...the experience I was suppose to have.
    I know how you feel...and that feeling of what you missed out on will go away...
    The comment above was beautiful, and very true. What you have gotten out of Addisons birth and the past few months is far more than some Mothers ever get, or feel, or understand, in a life time. We have been blessed in a way that some Mothers never experience...
    But even though I realize all this, I too get sad about the way things were suppose to have been when Russell was born, but it doesnt hurt as badly as it use to...It does get better :)

  3. I can completely relate. I just can't go there often- because Lily is our last baby, all through my pregnancy I kept thinking- this will be my last time enjoying all the things I love the most in life...all those things you listed. And wouldn't you think I could console myself with knowing I had it 9 other times??? I must sound so selfish. But it does hurt. I hope your future pregnancies and deliveries give you all you missed out on and more:)

  4. Deanna, I am so happy you post this. With Andrew being premature I had a lot of the same experiences as you know. I am so glad to know I am not the only one who struggles time to time with the feeling that the perfect birth of my child was stolen away. Your honesty and openness is truly amazing.


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