I know and recognize the fact that I tend to be overly sensitive to the fact that my beautiful daughter has Down syndrome.
I do, I know this...and yet time and time again, I somehow allow the overly sensitive side of myself to control how I think and view situations
Standing in the grocery store line....a lady stands behind us...she stares at Addison for a long moment....and then changes to a different line to wait in....my first thought? "she noticed the ds."
Watching as people are so excited for my sister's baby...posting pics and announcing to the world about the new addition to the family...and I can't remember them doing that when Addison was born....my first thought? "it's because my baby has ds...they weren't as excited"
Yesterday, I posted on a Mom blog post about having a preemie baby and relating to NICU stays, stating clearly in my comment that my baby has DS....I watched all day as other comments were posted and replied to....and mine was never posted to the site....my thought? "they didn't want to post my comment because my baby has ds"
Listening to people all around me making jokes and flippantly using such words as "handicap" and "retarded" and find myself torn between shriveling up inside and holding a grudge and yelling and screaming about how much I hate those words.
I have a picture of Addison up in my office at school, and one day I returned to find a gaggle of high school girls standing outside my office door, staring at Addison's picture, and one of them was proclaiming in a loud, obnoxious voice "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!" It took my entire 26 yrs of built of restraint to not throw my entire mug of scalding hot coffee on this teenage girl who was staring at me with guilt as it clicked in her head that it was my baby that she was talking about. I was convinced that she had seen the ds in Addison's eyes and that was why she had declared her to be ugly.
These are just some small examples of me being extremely sensitive. I know that some of my friends and family walk on egg shells around me. I know that, and normally I would feel bad, but honestly some things just hurt so much that I really appreciate so many people in my life going out of their way to tell me how beautiful Addison is and how much they view her as any other baby and they don't use words that they know keep me up at night in fits of tears.
I know that the lady in the grocery store probably just saw a shorter line, that people did congratulation Addison just as much as my sister's baby...I just had so much going on I didn't notice all of the posts, that the blog writer emailed me and apologized for the mistake as my comment had gotten lost in the spam file, that people don't mean what I am imagining what they mean when they use those words, that that teenage girl was just trying to impress her friends......
I know. Yes, I do. And yet....I still cry and lash out my Mama Bear instinct to protect my daughter from ever having to be hurt like I am time and time again.
I am working on this...I promise...