Thursday, September 30, 2010

I had a dream

I dreamed last night that we got to Boston and they changed their minds and said that Addison didn't need heart surgery.

It was a lovely dream. Luxuriously surprising.

I was awakened by Addison's hungry cry. She had unhooked her "breakaway" cannula in the middle of the night and most likely wasn't getting any oxygen most of the night. I saw her work so hard to breathe, and the dream was over. Sigh.

Sometimes it's easy to recognize that God is good. Sometimes it is easy to proclaim how good life is. Sometimes you just want to cry and curse (for perhaps the first time in your life) and it takes every ounce of self control to realize that God is still good even though you aren't feeling it. You just know and have to blindly believe.

Sometimes it is easy to be a stoically strong person. Sometimes the only thing that makes sense is a pity party because you know that you will feel so extremely guilty for giving in to the emotions that you will become strong again. Sometimes procuring silent tears is the only way to express exactly what you are feeling.

So many people keep asking me if I am ready for next week.

Ready to have my daughter operated on for the third time in her very short life? Ready to hand her over to more medical professionals, trusting people I don't even know with her fragile life? Ready to know that for a short amount of time, she will be kept alive only by machines? Ready to see her cry and be frustrated when she wakes up from the surgery feeling so much pain and being strapped down? Ready to see her struggle and not be able to cuddle her? Ready to go through all of this again with the strong realization that we could still leave with the same amount of oxygen requirements that we have now?

Who is ever ready for that?

No, I'm not ready.

I am ready to get it over with. I am ready to put this all behind us. I am ready to start putting vitamin E on yet another scar that continuously reminds me that my daughter's life is a miracle. I am ready to just continuing to be a Mom. Addison's Mom.

Today's just one of those days. You know, a hard day. A day that makes you question life itself.

But it's OK, because the pity party is over and the guilt is setting in as a result of the weakness.

But, more importantly, it's OK because God is good.

5 comments:

  1. You're amazing...and so is your little girl. I am praying for you both :)

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  2. Deanna,

    I enjoy so much reading your blog. For very different reasons I have been struggling lately and I appreciate your honesty on your feelings but how you always direct it back to the Lord. You are an encouragement to me & your faith and faithfulness to the Lord is beautiful. I will keep you all in my prayers next week. You are not alone dear sister in Christ!

    God Bless,
    Betsy
    -Bob Cats Society :)

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  3. Dear Deanna & Addison: God is so good. Although we never know what the future holds we know the one who holds our hand. He has blessed us with a special treasure in Addison and the journey He has planned is perfect. Oh it may not be what we would choose, but it is what is best. I am so thankful that God knows the end from the beginning and that He cares for His own, and that HE has promised NEVER to leave us or forsake us. Our thoughts and prayers go with you as you crest the next hill in Addison's life journey....

    Grampa

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  4. Tears and prayers friend. As a mom I can only cry every time I read these hard things and imagine me where you are. We will be praying every day next week. Cast your cares on Him. He cares for you and Addison.

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  5. So sorry you had a rough day today, Deanna. But, so happy that Addison has a mom that loves the Lord and does realize through the hills and valleys, that, indeed, He is always good. And, His will will never lead you where His grace will not keep you. His hands will protect you. We can rest in His care. Tomorrow's a new day. It will be better. You are a GREAT mom.

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