I realized something about myself tonight. Something that has changed since I had Addison. Well, actually so many things have changed it would take a much longer post than this to list everything. One big change just occurred to me tonight, and I wonder if this is normal. I appeal to you, my blogging friends for your opinion and help.
Before Addison, I was very much a "wing-it" person. Small details might fall by the wayside, but I didn't care. I would throw aside lesson plans at times and just go into class with a few general concepts I wanted to get across. (can't believe I just confessed that) I would throw parties that were perhaps disorganized in the lack of detail planning on my part. Areas of my house would go always unclean because I just didn't care (not visible areas).
Recently, I have been focusing much more on the tiny details, desperately searching for things that I can control. So many things have been out of my control completely the last year of my life that I search for any tiny thing that I can grab and hold onto and I feel as though I have the power to change the situation and LOVE IT.
Exhibit A: tomorrow we are hosting an informal kickball/cookout for some friends out on our lawn. Earlier this week, I found myself making table diagrams explicitly planning where each dish that other people were bringing would be placed exactly on the table and how the tables would spatially relate to each other and where the tables would be placed in relation to the kickball bases. (I didn't think it was weird until Aaron laughed at me) I freaked a co-worker out a couple of days ago as we were discussing a class that we are team teaching and I was desperately trying to over plan everything so not one class period would fall out of my control. I spent almost an hour today cleaning out my refrigerator (what???) It is cleaner than perhaps any fridge that I have ever been responsible for.
I am responsible totally for the dessert tomorrow. Aaron pointed out tonight that I have the dessert that I planned and made- a backup to that- a backup to the backup- and a backup to the backup of the backup (?) Also, the original dessert is a cake that I used paper cut outs to practice the design over and over again. Seriously? It sounds weirder in type than it did in my head.
I could go on, but these are the details freshest in my mind. Is this normal? I feel like it might not be a good thing, but also great for becoming a more organized person (note, I'm not saying that I am now super organized. I am just saying that there are random things that I seem to grab hold of and not let go). I feel as though I should relax and try not to keep my life tightly clenched in my fist, but it is hard because so much of my life has already changed when I didn't ask or want it to. Don't get me wrong, I love being Addison's mom, but honestly, at times it is still so hard. Just because you accept something doesn't meant that the pain goes away.
I really enjoy caring more about these details, but I feel as though it might my already "uptight" personality spiral dangerously toward psychotic.
Thoughts? Anyone else face this problem after having a child with special needs and how did you deal with the desire to control before it took over your life completely?