Friday, May 21, 2010

Dear Chubs,

Your Dad and I went on a date tonight and we talked about everything and nothing....and about you. Whenever your name was mentioned, we both got goofy smiles as we thought about your beautiful face- your mischievous ways. For some reason tonight, I can't help but think of a very dark time in my life- when I was 19 weeks pregnant with you- and I got a call from Dr. Brown (delayed by two hours because he was at a dentists appointment) saying that he was very, very sorry. "Your baby has tested positive for Trisomy 21". The very tone in which he said this was dripping with sorrow and grief- almost as if to call and tell me that you had died. I was home alone when I received this call, Dr. Brown was so extremely negative, and I knew next to nothing about Down Syndrome, so I really thought my life was over. I cried myself to sleep every night for the next two months while you grew inside of me. It was a dark time. I had failed you as a Mother even before I got a chance to begin. I am extremely competitive (which I secretly hope you will inherit from me), and I wanted to be the best mother possible for you. I was brokenhearted thinking about how I didn't give you the proper number of chromosomes. There was a time that I resented feeling you move inside of me. I had no control over this and I wanted to just fix the problem, but instead I had to trust and wait. I would hear of other people announce their pregnancies, and I would be so jealous that they were having "easy" pregnancies and "normal" babies. Life seemed very unfair. There finally came a point when I was still pregnant with you and you threatened to come early that I started realizing that in spite of all that the doctors were telling me- you were my baby. When people start tossing around labels and assumptions- it diminishes the fact that you are a baby perfectly formed by God. I realized that God had a perfect plan for my life, and that plan included you and your extra chromosome. As much as I struggled with your diagnosis, I began to see that God was at work in my life in a way that I couldn't even begin to understand at the time. He was trusting me with a very precious gift. "You are making a mistake. You picked the wrong person for this" I told God over and over again. I was reminded every time- God never, ever makes mistakes. This was His plan from the beginning of time for me and my husband. That thought was so extremely comforting to me. Why am I reminded of all of this tonight? Because here it is, almost four months after your birth, and I am tempted again to question God's working in my life. He has time and time again proved to be faithful to us. Why do I always forget and question Him again? I am writing this out for myself (and you) to remind me. There was a time a few short months ago that I thought I would never be happy again- and God has shown me over and over again how wrong I was. I have never been happier than I am right now as your mother. He has brought us so far as a family. He will continue to lead and direct us. Chubs, thank you for brightening our lives. Your Dad and I just said tonight- how did we live before Addison came along? Right now you are sleeping so soundly, and I am so thankful for what a wonderful sleeper you are. I just want you to know- I am working hard to learn this lesson of trusting God so that when you get old enough to understand, I can guide and teach you as you have your own struggles in life. I love you Addison, and I wouldn't change a thing about you. When you read this letter someday, I want you to know that we serve an Almighty God who is in control of every "happening" in our lives. You can trust Him. He has never let us down, and He will never let you down. We may not have an easy road ahead of us, but it doesn't matter because we are perfectly in the center of God's will, and that is the most peaceful, serene, happy place to be.

I love you!
Your Mother

p.s. we can talk more about that competitive thing when you get a bit older. i might be convinced to let you win a few games...because i just love you that much...(-:

1 comment:

  1. i love this post Deanna! i didn't find out about camden until after he was born....and i was so upset that the dr's never caught it....and then i realized that that is exactly how it was suppose to be....i know exactly how you feel and i am so glad you found the answers you were looking for...isn't is just so amazing how they capture your heart so quickly and every fear fades away when you look into those little almond eyes? i have been reminded time and time again by those almond eyes that God knows me so much better than i ever knew myself....


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